10 Badasses From the Pages of History
By Sami on July 07th, 2008
What have you accomplished so far in your life? Graduated college, working a nice 9-5 job, and hanging out at the poshest clubs, bars, and lounges around town? Fancy yourself to be a bit of a badass, right? Well, you aren’t. This is a list of 10 individuals that were so amazing at what they did that calling them anything less than a badass is an insult.
10 ) Cale Yarborough
Yarborough made NASCAR interesting by getting into a fist fight during the first televised race. Over the years he has been shot, bitten by a rattlesnake, struck by lightning, and nearly mauled to death by a bear while flying an airplane. His shining moment came in 1958 while working as a skydiver in Jacksonville. During a 5,000 foot jump his chute didn’t deploy until 200 feet when it provided him with minimal drag. He walked away, later saying: “Lucky for me, I landed on a patch of high grass and mud, which gave me a little bit of a cushion. I walked away with a chipped elbow.”
9 ) Nikola Tesla
Everything that makes the modern world “modern” – radio, wireless technology, light bulbs, induction motors, remote controls, and the microwave oven to name a few – were invented by a Serbian scientist. Tesla was so devoted to science that he stayed celibate so he could attempt to harness TS waves to use the Earth as a tuning fork to transmit energy anywhere for free, control the weather, and destroy areas at will. Even though this is all in the realm of mad science the government was interested and he spent his final years developing a death ray that would allow him to destroy planes from over 250 miles away. His first tests coincided with the Tunguska Event and people have theorized that he had something to do with it.
8 ) Khalid ibn al-Walid
It is too easy to pick Leonidas, Shaka Zulu, and the like, the “Sword of Islam” never lost a battle and cut through the Byzantine, Roman, and Persian empires even when vastly outnumbered and outarmed. Al-Walid answered Fergie by killing valuable camels to drink the water stored in their humps so he could make it across desert expanses to attack enemies from their unguarded side. He chose to become a foot solider after being dismissed as a general until he was asked to resign completely because Caliph Umar was afraid that the personality cult surrounding al-Walid was rivaling devotion to Allah. His final words were: “May the eyes of the cowards never sleep.”
7 ) Jack Churchill
If you were to mix Derek Zoolander, Rambo, and a Viking you would end up with Fighting Jack Churchill. After getting bored with military life he became a male model, honed his archery skills, and and started playing bagpipes even though he wasn’t Scottish. When WWII started he signed up as a commando even though he wasn’t sure what it entailed – it sounded dangerous, so he signed up. He preferred going into battle with his bagpipes, a Claymore sword, war bow, and arrows. In 1943, armed with only a sword and belt, he convinced 42 Nazi soldiers armed to the teeth to give up. After the war he briefly worked as a stunt archer before he devoted his life to surfing. Eat your heart out Chuck Norris.
6 ) Fred Rogers
How am I going from the insanity of Jack Churchill to the sweaters of Mister Rogers? Because the soft spoken Mister Rogers did the impossible by convincing the morass of Congress to do something positive. When they were considering cutting funding for public television he put on his shoes and gave testimony over why he believed that television gave children hope and made them more productive members of society. Congress ended up increasing funding instead. When Congress gave into pressure from the MPAA over the legality of VCRs recording show, he convinced them that it allowed working parents to enjoy his shows with their children as a family. The world could use another Mister Rogers.
5 ) Sonya Carson
In the same vein as Fred Rogers, the mother of Dr. Ben Carson is a testament to awesome mothers everywhere. Ben was born into poverty, had anger issues, and was failing as the only black kid in all white schools. Even though she worked numerous part-time jobs, Sonya Carson wasn’t going to let her children become Detroit statistics. She wouldn’t allow Ben to watch television, forced him to read two books a week, got him to write book reports over them, and then graded each of the reports. He ended up going to Yale and became a world famous surgeon that pioneered surgeries that separated conjoined twins. Did I mention that she was functionally illiterate and only had a 3rd grade education?
4 ) Buford Pusser
McNairy County, Tennessee had an organized crime problem in ’60s and Sheriff Buford Pusser had an idea to solve it: he got a 4×4, carved it into a club, and used it beat the living crap out of criminals. He jailed 7,500 criminals over 6 years by targeting illegal gambling dens, prostitution rings, and moonshine stills. Even after they killed his wife, shot him 8 times, and stabbed him 7 times he kept beating the living crap out of organized crime. He once jumped onto a the hood of a car that tried to run him over, smashed the window, and beat the crap out of the driver.
3 ) Ferdinand Magellan
In an age of frilly shirted European explorers Magellan was crabby, ruthless, and quick to fight anyone that didn’t listen to him. In 1521 he demonstrated that shock and awe is always a successful tactic by taking on 1,500 Cebu natives with 49 sailors. They were quickly overpowered and Magellan was hit in the leg with a poison dart. After ordering his men to escape he stayed behind with 6-7 of his most loyal men and fought to his death. Occasionally turning to check if his men had boarded the ship, he somehow found the strength to impale a man with a lance even after getting hit in the face with a bamboo spear.
2 ) Francois l’Ollonais
L’Ollonais will replace your favorite pirate because he understood that the job entailed being completely bloodthirsty. In the 1660’s, he was the only survivor after his crew was slaughtered by Spanish troops and got his revenge by holding Tortuga for ransom, beheading everyone but one man on the ship that was sent to capture him, and then sending that man back with a message saying he would never give a Spaniard quarter again. He kept his promise by constantly pillaging Spanish settlements. During an interrogation he pulled out the heart of a Spaniard, gnawed at it, and promised the rest to do the same to him if they didn’t provide him with safe passage.
1 ) Theodore Roosevelt
Teddy Roosevelt’s life is full of so many awesome stories that it is almost impossible to pick just a few. While working as deputy sheriff his boat was stolen by outlaws. He tracked them down, captured them, and decided to take them to the authorities. He ended up guarding them without sleep for 40 hours and read Tolstoy to keep awake. When has War and Peace NOT put someone to sleep?! He was given the Congressional Medal of Honor for charging Juan Hill on foot and later given the Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating the end of the Russo-Japanese War. Yes, he won an award for violence and another for peace.
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