10 Epic Mustaches and the Men Behind Them
By Jonathan on December 16th, 2009
History is full of epic mustaches. The Babylonians believed that a man’s virility was proportional to the thickness of his mustache and even swore oaths upon their beards. This tradition continued into Saddam Hussein’s reign, where mustaches were practically mandated. At times, one wonders if it is the man or the mustache. The following are notable examples of humanity’s timeless mustache heritage.
1. Socrates
Ancient Egypt, Greece, and Rome were not fond of facial hair. A well kept man of the time was expected to be athletic, cleanly shaved, and with cropped hair. Socrates was a short, ugly drunkard with a bristly mustache. Along with his full beard and receding hairline, Socrates’ mustache witnessed the dissemination of the Athenian philosopher’s wisdom and of rhetoric that challenged the state-defined preconceptions of the time. Ultimately put to death for “corrupting” the youth of Athens, Socrates heralded the return of the philosopher beard and is credited as the father of western philosophy.
2. Charlemagne
The Middle Ages were full of barbarians rampaging through Europe with raggedy and unkempt facial bushes. Towering over everyone else at 7 feet tall was the mustachioed Charlemagne. Although he fit the ancient description of “barbarian“, he became the first “civilized” leader outside of traditional Roman political culture by handing everyone else their asses. Charlemagne’s mustache inspired him to crush the other invaders of the former Roman Empire so ruthlessly that Pope Leo III made him Emperor of Rome. As his mustache developed into a beard, Charlemagne fostered a period of untold artistic expansion known as the Carolingian Renaissance.
3. Genghis Khan
Genghis Khan started growing his mustache after murdering his brother in a dispute about fish. Considered a symbol of wisdom, Genghis’ mustache helped him spread his aegis over most of China, all of Central Asia, most of the Middle East, and even all the way to the modern-day Czech Republic. Genghis’ empire was the largest ever seen then or ever since. Unfortunately, infighting, Japanese and Muslim resistance as well as his mustache’s traditional desire to die with its ancestors led Genghis to stop his expansion, pack up his things, and return his army home to die. His less epically mustachioed successors would have moderate success but a century later, the Mongolian Empire would be no more.
4. Otto von Bismarck
One amongst a plethora of mustachioed German statesman, Otto von Bismarck’s trademark “Kaiser” mustache quickly became symbolic of Prussian manhood. Even Hitler sported one through World War I until he was possibly ordered to whittle it down. As the architect of a united Germany in 1871, von Bismarck became known as the “Iron Chancellor” for his tough isolationist policies and hostile attitude towards all other forces in Europe. Perhaps intimidated by his lady-tickler, Russia, France, and England were cowed into forming an unlikely alliance against an aggressive German power. The web of alliances and hostility engaged by von Bismarck became one of the main catalysts of World War I where millions of mustaches would be left dying on the battlefields.
5. Ambrose Burnside
Ambrose Burnside was an inventor and politician from Rhode Island who not only promoted his Scottish ancestry with a fierce mustache but grew it so full and so distinctive that his heavy ’stache blended into a high beard and into his hair, promoting a new term for facial hair: the “Sideburn“. The constantly smiling Burnside made friends everywhere he went and made it a point to remember everyone’s name. Unfortunately, not even his epic whiskers could prepare him for the Civil War. His inability to command troops led to an abysmal track record and a morale crushing defeat at Fredericksburg. Years later, Franklin D. Roosevelt’s attempt to emulate Burnside’s facial hair was met with laughter.
6. Friedrich Nietzsche
Bismarck’s countryman, philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche may very well have owned the brushiest, bushiest, fullest, most lip-hidingest mustache of the era. What didn’t kill Nietzsche became part of his mustache. Under his mustache, Nietzsche is remembered for many works of thought provoking insight, especially his eminently quotable statement “God is dead” immortalized in The Gay Science and Thus Spoke Zarathustra. Perhaps made confident by his lip shield, Nietzsche claimed that religious institutions were dead and that mankind would never again find solace in their auspices.
7. Theodore Roosevelt
The 26th President of the United States and arguably the most badass world leader of his time, Theodore Roosevelt’s finely groomed mustache has been immortalized in stone on Mount Rushmore. The man may have been the top statesman of his time, but his crumb-catcher is better commemorated by Roosevelt’s exploits as boxer, naturalist, and hunter. Boxing his way through a Harvard diploma in history and government studies, the President’s naturalist ambitions brought him to a 1909 hunting expedition in Africa. Bringing back specimens and carcasses of over 11,000 animals, we would surely have demonized him in 2009, but at the time, these exploits actually became (and remain) the base of the Smithsonian and the American Museum of Natural History’s exhibits.
8. Charlie Chaplin
There may have been a more obvious embodiment of the Toothbrush mustache but it was our man Chaplin who popularized it at the turn of the 20th century. He not only pioneered and fostered comedy acting for over 75 years, but also founded United Artists in 1919 and may very well have inspired the facial grooming preferences of a young German corporal. Unfortunately, following the invention of the “talkies” in the 1920-30s, Chaplin’s comically twitching little mustache was retired and Chaplin shifted his focus to behind the cameras due to his “unappealing” voice. There, sans mustache, he still managed to find success as a producer and filmmaker.
9. Josef Stalin
20th century dictators are notorious for using their ample lip hair for evil ends. Veiled behind his mustache, Stalin was a participant in Russia’s Communist revolution of 1917 and following the death of Lenin, became the architect of Soviet Russia. From his disastrous “five-year plans” and radical nationalization that caused the starvation of millions of his people to his alliance with Hitler destined to divide up Poland and to his eventual conquest of Eastern Europe, this graying and impossibly symmetrical mustache is remembered as one of the most ruthless mustaches in history. That being said, the victims of Stalin’s regime and historians in general are dismayed to see his image is being progressively rehabilitated in today’s Russia. Indeed, a recent poll declared him the third greatest Russian of all-time.
10. Salvador Dali
This Spanish artist’s crazy mustache may very well have inspired the mind-boggling qualities of his oeuvre. Dali grew his mustache as a marketing tool, he knew he would stand out a zany artist if he had bizarre facial hair. He called it his “antennae” when asked about it, saying that he grew inspiration from it. From “The Persistence of Memory” to “Shirley Temple: The Youngest, Most Sacred Monster”, the melty clocks, and demon-children of this mustache’s pieces have made it an enduring part of popular culture. In the end, the surrealist eccentric and his crazy mustache spent their lives shocking the world. Accordingly, Dali died both hated and loved but left no one indifferent and remains universally famous.
Bonus: Ned Flanders
Assuredly not an actual person and most definitely not a historic figure, Ned Flanders’ left-handed mustache in The Simpsons has graced worldwide screens since 1989. More than a caricature of the Christian right, Stupid Flanders has been an omnipresent critique as well as an invitation to question our tenets of morality and ethics for the better part of two decades. The result of appearing on a show that is now aired in most countries on earth at least several times a day is evident: despite not being a main character, his name, his persona, and his mustache are known worldwide. Furthermore, keeping in mind that television signals travel at the speed of light when breaking free of our atmosphere, Flanders’ soup strainer may be famous in an interstellar way at this point. Bringing warmth, friendliness and a blanket-feeling of honesty, the Flanders mustache ends our list as a true testament to the power of facial hair throughout history.
Jonathan is a historian with his own blog over at The End is Coming.
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