10 Historic Badasses (Ass-Kicking Edition)
By Sami on March 06th, 2009
A few months back we featured a list of 10 badasses from the pages of history. Unfortunately, despite the high level of ass-kicking, on the list, some people wanted more face-punching action and less touching stories about moms raising their kids to be awesome. This is a list of 10 people who were badass enough to warrant mention purely for their ass-kicking skills… despite being, you know, dead.
1. Simo Häyhä
Simo Häyhä, the Finnish sniper, still holds the record for highest amount of sniper kills in any major war, an astonishing 500+ in 100 days of the Winter War. Before the war, Häyhä was a simple farmer. During the war, he was an unstoppable death machine. Despite having more soldiers, being better armed, and having more supplies, The Soviets were terrified of Häyhä. They called him the “White Death” and tried to kill him on numerous occasions, going as far as to call down artillery on his position. But Häyhä wasn’t content to just rack up kills – he had to do it better than anyone else. He used iron sights instead of telescopic ones to make himself a smaller target, and would keep snow in his mouth to keep his breath from giving away his position. Oh, and one other thing – in addition to his 500 kills with his sniper rifle, he also had 200 unconfirmed kills with his short range sub-machine gun.
2. Andrew Jackson
Andrew Jackson, the 7th President of the United States, spent more time fighting anyone who angered him than he spent leading the nation. The only president to ever beat up his own would-be assassin, he spent most of his time going to bizarre lengths to protect the honor of his beloved wife, Rachel Jackson. Andrew married Rachel before the ink was dry on her previous marriage’s divorce papers, and he decided to solve the problem using dueling anyone that called her a whore. His most famous duel involved Charles Dickinson, a famous duelist with 26 kills under his belt, after Jackson’s rivals pushed Dickinson into insulting Rachel. Jackson let Dickinson shoot him in the chest during the ensuing duel. As Dickinson reloaded, Jackson carefully aimed and fired; the shot slowly killed Dickinson, but Jackson prevailed. Jackson blamed the press for causing Rachel’s untimely death, but even after she preceded him to the grave, Jackson continued to duel for her honor.
3. Vlad III Dracula
Vlad III Dracula, the Prince of Wallachia, is best known for impaling anyone who pissed him off. “Dracula” is a family name meaning “Son of the Dragon”, and Vlad had plenty of daddy issues. When Vlad was just 13, his father sent him and his younger brother as vassals to the Ottoman empire. Vlad rose to power after his father was killed and his older brother was blinded by hot irons and then buried alive. He impaled thousands of peasants for harboring rivals, and impaled members of the nobility for questioning his power. Then, to really prove his point, he rebuilt a castle with the enslaved families of the impaled nobles. Bored with impaling on home turf, he set his sights on the Ottomans, impaling over 20,000 prisoners and waging a guerrilla war that eventually drove them out. Hailed a national hero, Vlad was then imprisoned by alienated nobles who sided with his younger brother. No one really agrees on what happened to him after his release. Rumors of bloodsucking and capes abound.
4. Shaka Zulu
Shaka Zulu, the founder of the Zulu kingdom, was the bastard son of a minor chieftain who named Shaka after an intestinal parasite. Shaka’s daddy issues translated to an amazing aptitude for killing people. Before his influence, African wars were waged by getting a lot of guys to show up, hurling spears at each other, and waiting until one side gave up. Shaka dodged the spears, charged his opponents, and stabbed them to death. His rivals didn’t know what hit them; his new strategy was far superior to anything going, and he quickly made his way up the ranks. After his half-brother died under “mysterious circumstances”, Shaka studied up on the Klingons, reshaped Zulu culture around war, replaced spears with curved blades, and implemented rigid training programs where only the fittest survived. He quickly assimilated a vast kingdom but also became a cruel, paranoid dick and was eventually assassinated for his throne.
5. Triệu Thị Trinh
Triệu Thị Trinh, the Vietnamese rebel leader, successfully repelled Wu invaders over 30 times before she was 23. Most historians will agree that she did this using two swords while riding atop an elephant. But, Vietnamese historians posit that she was 9 feet tall with 5 foot long breasts that she wrapped around her body. Eighteenth-century historic texts report that she feared filth, a weakness that a clever Wu general used to his advantage during a key battle. He instructed his men to kick up dust while naked. Trinh rode off the battlefield in disgust, her troops were quickly defeated without her help, and she committed suicide to avoid capture. But, even in death, this giantess used all the skills available to her: her spirit reputedly haunted the general in his dreams. He fixed this problem by hanging wood carvings of penises over doorways to scare her ghost way. I’m sure that worked.
6. Ulf Hreda
Ulf Hreda, the Irish warrior, was involved in his King Brian Boru’s attempt to unite the Irish clans. He is also known as “Wolf the Quarrelsome”. That is a name someone gets by either being a hulking 11th-century Irish warrior renowned for his battle-axe skills or by being Wolf Blitzer. (Seriously, never mess with Wolf Blitzer.) The Vikings, mortal enemies of the Irish at the time, sent Brodir of the Isle of Man, a legendary warrior, to fight at the Battle of Clontarf in an effort to keep the Irish apart. The Viking epic Njál’s saga described Hreda as the “greatest champion and warrior” on the Irish side, and he certainly lived up the description by knocking Brodir down 4 times in a row with punishing axe attacks. Brodir managed to escape, and he killed King Brian in the process. Hreda, not one to forgive as his nickname suggests, then tracked Brodir, sliced open his stomach, wrapped his entrails around a giant oak tree, and left him to die an agonizing death.
7. Dioxippus
Dioxippus, the ancient Greek pankratiast, was such an ass-kicking machine that he won the pankration competition in the 336 Olympics by default because no one else wanted to challenge him. This was for good reason, as he demonstrated at a banquet thrown by Alexander the Great. Dioxippus was challenged to single combat by Coragus, Alexander the Great’s best warrior, and Dioxippus accepted. Coragus showed up with full armor, javelins, a spear, and sword. Dioxippus brought a club. During the fight, Dioxippus dodged a javelin, shattered Coragus’ spear with his club, and threw Coragus to the ground. Beating up the host’s heavily armed best warrior was a huge faux pas in Macedonian culture and Alexander the Great immediately became hostile towards Dioxippus. The grief of being shunned by Alexander and a Macedonian plot to frame him as a thief drove Dioxippus to suicide.
8. Masutatsu Ōyama
Masutatsu Ōyama, the founder of Kyokushin Karate, found traditional Karate too soft and spent his life perfecting a punch called the “Godhand”. He did this by secluding himself from society for approximately 3 years, training in the Japanese mountains, and sleeping in temples. Ōyama’s training regimen included meditating under waterfalls, working out 16 hours a day, breaking rocks and trees with his bare hands, fighting wild animals, and doing other things normally reserved for Jean-Claude Van Damme training montages. When he returned to society he picked an empty lot, called it “Ōyama Dojo”, and started showcasing his skills by fighting animals and people alike. Ōyama fought bulls barehanded, reputedly killing 3 with a single strike, and even fought 300 men in 3 days.
9. Audie Murphy
Audie Murphy, the American soldier, was one of the most decorated World War II soldiers. Unlike the muscle bound Ōyama, Murphy barely stood over 5′4″ and looked like he was 12. But, he managed to scam his way into the battlefield where he killed over 240 Nazis, destroyed 6 tanks, and fought entire brigades – all on his own. Powered entirely by determination and bravery, he once wiped out an entire Nazi machine gun nest after they killed his best friend. He then used their machine guns and grenades to destroy other outposts. Another time, he wiped out an entire Nazi brigade in subzero temperature and called in an aerial strike on his position to finish off what he couldn’t kill himself. He became a successful actor after the war, used his fame to become an advocate for returning soldiers, and spoke frankly about suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.
10. Robert Mayne
Robert “Paddy” Mayne, the British soldier, was one of the most decorated World War II soldiers. But that is where the comparisons to Murphy end. Mayne loved fighting, drinking, and doing both at the same time. He would drink for hours in between missions and would then challenge every man in the bar to a fight. On the battlefield it was a different story. He single-handedly rescued a squadron by lifting the wounder one-by-one into his Jeep before destroying Nazi gunners in a nearby farmhouse. Mayne once attacked a commanding officer who gave orders that killed 130 of Mayne’s men. Most would have been court-martialed, but the British Army quickly remembered that he had pioneered drunkenly driving a Jeep into enemy airfields with guns blazing. He had destroyed over 100 enemy aircraft by himself using this method and no one thought it sound to disturb Mayne.
Thanks go out to Robert for helping out with this entry. You should check out his blog. Also, thanks go out to you, the reader, for your patience… as my updating has been fairly abysmal. If I was a mime, I’d make a sad face for you right now.
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