10 Historic Badasses (Who Never Hurt a Fly)
By Sami on March 25th, 2009
A lot of people said we were glorifying violence in our last entry about violent badasses. While that isn’t true, we are making up for it by putting together a list of (slightly obscure) people who never resorted to violence. The following is a list of 10 people who were badasses and never harmed a fly, they simply didn’t need it.
1. Lawrence of Rome
Lawrence of Rome, the deacon of the early Roman church, was a Christian before it was cool – in fact, before it was legal. He was in charge of all the wealth of the church and many believe he was given the task of protecting the Holy Chalice. The prefect of Rome gave Lawrence three days to turn over all the wealth of the Roman church. Lawrence spent those days distributing the jewels and riches to the sick, poor, and crippled – pissing off Republicans for years to come. On the third day, when asked to bring the treasure, Lawrence brought the poor with him, proudly proclaiming: “The Church is truly rich, far richer than your emperor.” The prefect didn’t find this funny and had Lawrence executed by grilling him on a large gridiron over burning coals. Too badass to just die, halfway through this gruesome death, Lawrence called out: “Assum est, inquit, versa et manduca!” (“This side’s done, turn me over and have a bite!”)
2. Thích Quảng Đức
Vietnam in the ’60s was a crappy place to live in: besides the obvious war, the Roman Catholic president practically outlawed Buddhism, the majority religion. Protests from monks were crushed in ways that only a 3rd world dictator could: Through massacres. This is when Quảng Đức sprang into action. Accompanied by 350 monks, Quảng Đức marched to a busy intersection, knelt on a cushion, recited a prayer, and had a five-gallon can of gasoline poured on him. He then lit himself on fire. Quảng Đức burned for approximately 10 minutes – during which time he didn’t move, speak, or flinch. The photograph of Quảng Đức serenely sitting while burning won a Pulitzer, forced the West take notice of the Buddhist crisis, and ruined Diem’s reputation. It is one of the most powerful images in history, but most know it today as the cover of Rage Against the Machine’s self-titled debut.
3. Tank Man
Tank Man, the Chinese student protester, has one of the most kick-ass names (even though it’s a pseudonym) on this or any list. Following the collapse of Communist regimes around the world, the Chinese government decided to remind its citizens that it had no regard for their lives. In a show of force, a Chinese tank column rolled down the middle of Tiananmen Square after it had been cleared by massacring an atrocious number of student protesters. Tank Man wasn’t having any of this shit, and marched up to the leading tank and blocked its way, unconcerned that it could easily drive over him. Miraculously, the tank tried to drive around him, but Tank Man stepped in front of it again. He then climbed into the tank and had a chat with the driver. Tank Man was eventually dragged away by protesters concerned with his life, and he disappeared forever. Some believe he was executed a few days later, but I like to believe he is lurking in Beijing, waiting for the right moment to strike.
4. Joseph Kittinger
Joseph Kittinger, the retired USAF officer, was one of the first humans to reach the edge of space. In Project Manhigh – which, despite the name, was not a cannabis festival – he rode a balloon into the stratosphere to study what cosmic rays did to the human body. The only Fantastic Four-esque powers these cosmic rays gave him were balls the size of the balloons that carried him into the heavens. During Project Excelsior, he tested a high-altitude parachute. In case you’re not a high-altitude parachute enthusiast, here’s what this testing involved: a balloon floated Kittinger into the stratosphere, and he jumped off it and attempted to deploy his chute. The key word here is “attempted”. During his final jump, a suit malfunction caused his hand to swell up to twice its size, but he didn’t tell anyone out of fear that the test would be aborted. Instead, he broke records for the highest balloon ascent, highest parachute jump, longest free-fall, and fastest speed by man through the atmosphere – all of which he still holds.
5. Diego Maradona
Diego Maradona, the retired Argentine soccer player, popularized the Argentine soccer style, which features a more fluid approach to the game. Born into poverty, Maradona’s stocky build, surprising speed, and trademark rabona – a flashy kick completed by wrapping the kicking leg around the back of the standing leg – propelled him to the professional leagues. But it was two goals during a quarter- final match in the 1986 World Cup, which took place during an intense soccer rivalry following Argentina losing the Falklands War to England, that cemented his legend. As if borrowing notes from the Cobra Kai, Maradona scored the first goal, called The Hand of God, by cheating: he handballed it in and kept quiet when it became apparent that the referee had not seen it. So, how can a cheater make into this list? Because he scored another goal, literally moments later, by dribbling the ball halfway down the field and past 6 English players. This goal was voted the The Goal of the Century by FIFA.
6. Jahangir Khan
Jahangir Khan, the retired Pakistani squash player, still holds the world record for most consecutive wins in any sport – an astonishing 555 in a row. Long before the thickly mustachioed men from tribal villages in Pakistan picked up terrorism, they picked up squash by watching stationed British troops and a few went on to become international players. But Khan’s aggressive approach to wearing down players transformed quash from a stuffy country club pastime to a competitive sport played by actual athletes. It started in 1979, when he was told he was too weak to enter the professional championship, so he entered himself and became the youngest person to win the amateur title. The same year his brother died of a heart attack while competing in the Australian open; Khan swore to never play again, but 2 years later he started his winning streak in his brother’s memory. He also has the best mustache on this list.
7. Thor Heyerdahl
Thor Heyerdahl, the Norwegian adventurer, was a man with love for exploration with a scientific bent. He was also named Thor, which is excellent enough on its own because it conjures up images of a giant bearded man using a giant hammer to break shit. Heyerdahl’s hammer was the Kon-Tiki voyage. He built a raft based on ancient Polynesian specifications and sailed it 4,300 miles from Peru to Australia just to prove an arcane anthropological point. And, in contrast to most contemporary anthropologists and archaeologists, Heyerdahl put forth a theory of Pacific colonization based on an apocryphal Incan myth, suggesting that an ancient race of fair-skinned “long-eared” people were the original settlers of Polynesia. While this theory holds about as much water as those regarding Atlantis and Mu with legitimate anthropologists, because of Heyerdahl’s popularity and badassery, it actually managed to gain some traction among less stodgy types during his lifetime.
8. Richard Feynman
Richard Feynman, the American physicist, was barely out of college when he was contracted to work on the Manhattan Project. Niels Bohr used to hang out with Feynman because he was the only physicist not too in awe to speak. He eventually got bored and took up lock-picking and bongo playing to pass the time, breaking in to several of his colleague’s lockers and playing practical jokes on them. After the war ended, Feynman began a successful academic career, during which he worked on subjects as diverse as quantum electrodynamics, nanotechnology, string theory, quantum computing and theoretical physics. In his free time he studied biology, art, juggling, percussion, lock-picking and Maya hieroglyphs. Sadly, he contracted two rare forms of cancer and died (because one didn’t have the power to finish him off), but not before he could utter his famous last words: “I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.” His books are still excellent reads.
9. Pheidippides
Pheidippides, the Athenian herald, was the inspiration behind the modern marathon. Most of the history surrounding him is written down as fluffy hyperbole, but it is likely that most of his accomplishments are true. Greece’s rocky terrain made delivering messages by horse difficult, so messengers were used to sprint short distances between cities to deliver messages. Pheidippides was as fast as his name was unpronounceable, and during the Battle of Marathon he was selected to run to Sparta to ask for help. The Spartans were observing 10 days of peace - which really boggles the mind, considering that the Spartans were really violent fuckers – so, Pheidippides ran back to Marathon. He covered 150 miles in two days and arrived just in time to catch the magnificent Athenian victory over Persia. Pheidippides was then sent to report the news to Athens, so he ran 26 miles and collapsed dead after delivering the news in a single word: “Νενικήκαμεν!” (“We are victorious!”)
10. Demosthenes
Demosthenes, the Athenian statesman, used his first legal speech at the age of 20 to literally talk his guardians out of his inheritance. Other statesmen were promoting appeasement when Philip II of Macedon started conquering Greece, but Demosthenes, unconcerned that Phillip was a dirty ruthless bastard, wrote scathing attacks on Phillip’s motives and character. Thebes was harshly punished for resisting, while his efforts allowed Athens to make peace on favorable terms. Demosthenes then focused his efforts on advocating resistance to Alexander the Great, even going so far as to promote a rebellion. It failed miserably. Again, Thebes was razed, and Athens spared. Demosthenes and his supporters were banished, but despite being Alexander the Great’s main detractor, Demosthenes was granted a gold crown for his service to the city. He outlived Alexander, but chose to commit suicide rather than be caught and killed by his successor.
Thanks go out to Robert for helping out with this entry. Check out his blog.
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