10 Instrumental Innovations That Didn’t Change the World
By Wesley on October 15th, 2009
Every once in a while an instrument comes along that changes the way people listen to music. The electric guitar, pioneered in the 1930s, paved the way for rock and roll. The synthesizer made the piano portable and interesting, at least to the 80s. Other musical innovations have been less success. The following are 10 musical instruments that made the world collectively shrug and say, “Meh”.
1. Theremin
Originally developed as a Russian government project to study proximity sensors, the theremin did away with all the pesky touching that plagued traditional instruments. Instead, you wave your hands around its two antennae as it makes a sound like a ghost beckoning you towards the light. Named after its inventor, Léon Theremin, the instrument never stood a chance. Aside from being difficult to play, it made its premiere in the United States in the eve of the Great Depression, a time when most people were more interested in slightly-used bread.
2. Terpsitone
Determined maintain his dominance in the space-age ghost music niche, Leon Theremin outdid himself with the terpsitone. Noting the naturally dance-like movements required to play the theremin, he created an instrument that basically amounted to Dance Dance Revolution for contortionists. You play a terpsitone by dancing on a metal plate. In turn, the terpsitone responds to every single movement of your body. Its hypersensitivity made it virtually impossible to play, which resulted in virtually nobody playing it. Only one of the original terpsitones that Theremin created still exists.
3. Waterphone
The most successful instrument on the list, the waterphone was invented by the appropriately named Richard Water. It has been featured in a few soundtracks but has otherwise failed to attract a large following. This may be because it puts out hideous sounds that can be described as a hybrid of a whale call and chalkboard screech. The waterphone features numerous tonal rods and a resonator that can be filled with water to help create sounds which are, in the words of its creator, “schiziosonic”. Schiziosonic is, of course, derived from combining the latin for “sound” and “bat shit insane.”
4. Katzenklavier
Basically Jingle Cats for sadists, the katzenklavier was a conceptual instrument that German scholar Athanasius Kircher first described in the 1650s. His idea was to pen a few hapless cats, arranged by the pitch of their meows, and then using a piano keyboard to drive spiked hammers into the tails of the cats, thus forcing them to yowl out their beautiful melodies. While a working version was never constructed, German physician Johann Christian Reil thought the katzenklavier would be brilliant or focusing the attention of the mentally ill, because nothing says sanity like torturing cats.
5. Glass Armonica
When he wasn’t busy courting young French women, Benjamin Franklin was inventing things. He enjoyed the sound produced by rubbing his fingers over glass cups so much that he invented the glass armonica in 1762 to do just that. It consisted of 37 rotating glass hemispheres arranged by pitch, which sounded when the player rubbed moistened fingers over them. It was popular enough for a time that Mozart wrote two pieces for it and Beethoven included it in one of his. Unfortunately, it fell from popularity when players began complaining that the glass armonica caused them mental distress, possibly due to lead in the glass hemispheres.
6. Light-Beam Piano
Edwin Welte was the Howard Hughes of piano manufacturers. Slightly eccentric, he pioneered the design of the mechanical piano and then turned his attention to the light-beam piano. It made music by flashing beams of light through grooved glass disks. This wasn’t enough, so Welte arbitrarily added giant horns on top. The resulting instrument started with the disadvantage of a synthesizer’s need for electricity, combined it with the portability of a dead whale, and added the looks of a deformed pipe organ. It never caught on, because like the theremin, the light-beam piano debuted during the Great Depression.
7. Amplified Cactus
Take an average, everyday potted cactus, hook up some contact microphones and, presto, instant musical instrument. The amplified cactus is one of a cornucopia of plant-based instruments ranging from carrot trumpets to cabbage slide whistles, but it outdoes the rest by not even bothering to imitate a traditional musical instrument. The amplified cactus is played by plucking its sharp, needle-like spines, which, unless they draw blood, produce barely audible clicks of noise.
8. Doulophone
What do you get when you make an instrument out of drainpipe and copper tubes? The doulophone, a plus-sized, melody-impaired monstrosity. The doulophone is an ensemble instrument which lacks any means of picking out a melody. Instead, it is meant to add “texture” to its more competent companion instruments, in much the same way that farting adds “texture” to dinner conversation. In reality, it mostly drones along, obscuring the music of instruments which are not made out of leftovers from your dad’s last home repair efforts.
9. Electronic Bagpipe
Because the world loved normal bagpipes so much, someone decided to grace music lovers everywhere with an electronic version. The electronic bagpipe combines the lovable caterwauling of regular bagpipes with the atonal horror of computer error beeps. There are at least six (yes, six!) different commercial models available. Out of those models, only one looks anything like a normal bagpipe, making the rest unfortunately easy to smuggle into unsuspecting audiences.
10. Moaning Lisa
Unlike the theremin, this is one instrument you definitely have to touch. The Moaning Lisa is a very busty, very naked mannequin-shaped instrument that can be “played” in much the same way that a blow-up doll can be “loved.” It features six strategically placed sensors on the neck, nipples, butt, and crotch of the mannequin, which when properly tweaked, fondled, and caressed bring the Moaning Lisa to an orgasmic orchestral crescendo.
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