10 Plundering Politicians
By Sami on August 27th, 2008
The 20th century brought us some of the world’s most powerful and rich dictatorships. While most followed a straightforward recipe of murder, terror, and megalomania, the following managed to plunder the nations they had taken control of in ways that boggle the mind.
1. Kim Jong Il
If you gave an old Korean lesbian the paranoia of Howard Hughes you’d end up with Kim Jong Il. Most of his $5 billion fortune is foreign aid that the “Dear Leader” has misappropriated since the early ’90s. The result of this is that North Koreans are now so emaciated that they make Ethiopians seem obese. Not that Kim ever notices since he spends most of his time in one of his 17 palaces pursuing his true passion: watching, writing, and directing movies. Terrified of flying, he only travels by armored train or in his billion dollar, 7,000 car fleet. Convinced that a triplet will one day topple his regime, all triplets are rounded up and left to die in bleak orphanages.
2. Idi Amin Dada
A former cannibal, Amin’s official title would be a nightmare to fit on a business card: “His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.” In the ’70s, he amused foreign dignitaries who asked why he ate so many oranges by saying they tasted better than human flesh. This sense of humor was lost on the military leaders he rounded up and decapitated when he first rose to power. Afterwards, he sat on a pile of their heads while taking bites of flesh and chastised them for their lack of support. He managed to abscond with almost $500 million in gold to Saudi Arabia where he spent the rest of his life eating a lot of oranges.
3. Ferdinand Marcos
Most Filipinos struggled with runaway inflation in the ’60s, but it didn’t stop the Marcoses from putting ornate chandeliers in every room of Malacañang Palace. The reception room – which already had 3 famous chandeliers from the Spanish era – ended up with 17 of them. Imelda Marcos amassed one of the largest collections of shoes, handbags, gowns, and jewelry, effectively making her history’s most successful gold digger. Not that Ferdinand was tame either, almost $10 billion in loans were misappropriated and huge kickbacks were the norm. The province of Apayao was allegedly redrawn to resemble his head on a map and a giant Mount Rushmore-esque bust of him was carved into a hillside.
4. Mobutu Sésé Seko
While the average citizen of Zaire managed to scrape by on $150 a year in the ’60s, Mobutu used the billions in foreign aid to convert his home village of Gbadolite into “Versailles in the Jungle.” To Mobutu, this meant building palaces modeled after Chinese pagodas and an airport that could accommodate the Concorde. This last detail was especially important to him since the Concorde was routinely chartered to fly to France for shopping sprees. He claimed that it wasn’t extravagant since he was afraid of flying and hated sleeping pills, the Concorde simply brought him to his destination quicker.
5. Nicolae Ceauşescu
After visiting North Korea in the ’70s and deciding he wasn’t crazy enough, Ceauşescu started forcing people to move into tiny concrete apartments in an effort to bring Romania into a new golden age. The crown was going to be the ironically named Palace of The People. The world’s third largest building, it had gargantuan crystal chandeliers, steps designed to be the size of his stride, and a tunnel system that had an escape route only he knew. He passed laws banning TV newswomen from wearing jewelry so they wouldn’t be more glamorous than his wife, Elena. Then, as if to cap off all the crazy, they created a gestapo of gynecologists that hounded single women in an effort to increase the birth rate.
6. Sani Abacha
Almost a deity for Nigerian scammers, Abacha believed in efficiency. After rising to power in the ’90s he stole over $4 billion over the course of 5 years. He then died in this list’s most awesome way: after taking excessive amounts of Viagra he dropped dead during an orgy with 4 prostitutes. His widow, Maryam, attempted to flee the country with 38 pieces of luggage stuffed with dollars. She then hired – I swear I’m not joking – Johnnie Cochran to represent her during the corruption trial. Ever the miracle worker, Cochran managed to get her a reprieve under the defense that she was moving the money to safer foreign accounts and was planning on giving it back.
7. Joaquín Balaguer
Balaguer was given control of the Dominican Republic in the ’60s because no one else wanted it. Even though he promised a return to a true democracy, he passed laws that restricted barrio dwellers from entering richer areas and aided in election fraud. In the ’90s he decided to build El Faro a Colón, a 10-story building shaped like a cross and designed to illuminate the night sky in celebration of Christopher Columbus’ arrival. Barrios were razed, dissidents killed, and inflation sky rocketed. It ended up being pointless after the pope refused to attend and Spain wouldn’t send a delegate. When the cross was finally turned on it drained the national grid. In many ways this was symbolic of Columbus’ arrival.
8. Jean-Bédel Bokassa
Bokassa never bothered to funnel billions into foreign accounts, rather he made himself emperor of the Central African Republic in the ’70s under the claim that it would look good for the nation. A huge fan of Napoleon, he almost bankrupted the nation by spending $20 million on a 48-hour coronation ceremony that required 100 limos, 130 thoroughbred horses, a 120 piece orchestra, and 65,000 bottles of champagne complete with waiters from Paris. His diamond encrusted crown cost $5 million alone. He was ousted 5 years later after he had 100 school children massacred over the type of uniforms they should wear. But all of that was ok, because in his final years he revealed himself to be the 13th Apostle.
9. François “Papa Doc” Duvalier
While stealing almost half a billion dollars in foreign aid, Papa Doc made voodoo the official religion of Haiti in the late-’50s. Claiming to be Baron Samedi, the voodoo spirit of death, he spoke in a nasal tone associated with the spirit and wore the spirit’s trademark top hat and tails. He took voodoo seriously, he would request the heads of dead rivals so he could trap their spirit and wanted all black dogs killed on sight after a pesky political rival was rumored to have transformed into one. The Tonton Macoutes, a private army named after a voodoo bogeyman that disappears people, took pride in terrorizing anyone that didn’t explicitly state their support for Papa Doc. He forced Haitians to sell their blood to him for $1.80 a pint, then turned around and resold the blood to the United States for $22 a pint.
10. Jean-Claude “Bébé Doc” Duvalier
Papa Doc’s propaganda machine had positioned Bébé Doc as the son of God by the time he came to power in the ’80s. But Bébé Doc was not savvy at convincing Hatians he was a spirit and his unpopular marriage to Michèle Bennett made the support evaporate. The couple threw lavish televised parties where $10,000 jewels were given away as door prizes. The homeless were pushed to watch on televisions that were installed in the parks they slept in. Michèle spent $10,000 a month on flowers from Miami and wore furs by having the air conditioning turned to max. Even being overthrown in 1986 didn’t stop them from spending obscene amounts of money in France until Michèle disappeared a few years later with almost $100 million, leaving the son of God as penniless as he had left Haiti.
Note: I will be out of town for about 2 weeks, so updates will resume mid-September.
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