7 Unbelievably Vain Historic Figures
By Sami on September 28th, 2009
Vanity is a billion dollar industry. Together, cosmetic surgery, beauty conglomerates, and fashion houses create the fourth largest economy on the planet. Catering to human vanity isn’t a recent phenomenon though; Mesopotamian men spent hours with curling irons to create elaborate rings in their beards. The following 7 historic figures took the search for attractiveness to extremes that few have been able to match.
1. Dioscorides’ Mouthwash
Pedanius Dioscorides, an early Greek pharmacist, wrote that gargling with human urine whitened teeth, reversed leprosy, and cured the plague. The promise of white teeth was extremely popular with Roman aristocracy. Portuguese urine was rumored to whiten the best, and commanded exorbitant prices. Dioscorides’ mouthwash was popularized again under the Tudor dynasty, who expanded it to all forms of urine: Dog urine was thought to be a fountain of youth, horse urine was supposed to treat hair loss, and human urine was touted as the Viagra of the time.
2. Edward VI of England Popularizes the Codpiece
Under Edward VI of England‘s reign in medieval England, fashion dictated that nobles’ rank be matched by the size of their endowment. Aristocrats wore tunics that were designed to expose the genitals, and there was even a cottage industry devoted to making freakishly large flesh colored falsies for gentlemen who felt that they didn’t quite measure up. This became such a big issue that the young Edward passed a law banning any man below the rank of lord from displaying his “privy member and buttokkes“. As a result, the codpiece became popular among low ranking nobility.
3. Francis Galton’s Beauty Map
Sir Francis Galton was an eccentric inventor who pioneered work in various areas including polling, meteorology, and finger printing. Galton created a “beauty map” of the 18th-century British Isles to track where unattractive and attractive women resided. For record keeping, he used a machine that pricked a piece of paper. Women marked on the right hand side were attractive, while women on the left hand side were unattractive. After years of work, Galton announced that the least attractive women could be found in Aberdeen. He then devoted years to measuring the asses of African women to test a measurement device.
4. Elizabeth Báthory’s Beauty Secrets
17th-century Hungarian countess Elizabeth Báthory is one of history’s most notorious woman serial killers. She earned this dubious honor by acting like a Disney movie villain. Báthory was a vain woman who spent a large portion of her day staring at herself in the mirror and trying to turn back the ravages of time. When nothing worked, she turned to black magic. Specifically, she tortured and sacrificed young virgin girls. When authorities went to arrest her, the first thing they found was a starving young girl who had been drained of her blood. Many historians peg Báthory’s body count as high as 650.
5. Elizabeth I of England’s Wig
Elizabeth I of England had the Anglican Church ban cosmetics and other vanities so women would not be subjected to questions ” of her majesty in marriage”. However, the threat of being burned at the stake as a witch didn’t curb her own vanity. Elizabeth’s ladies in waiting spent every morning tracing her veins with blue dye, powdering her until she was a pale white, and smothering her with a lead based skin whitening cream called Venetian Ceruse. Her extensive use of it, coupled with smallpox, caused her hair to fall out, forcing her to wear her now iconic wig. Elizabeth also favored dresses that exposed her breasts, the fashion of her youth, well into her 70s.
6. Cleopatra’s Stinky Beauty Secret
While Cleopatra VII Philopator would be considered homely by modern standards, she was considered an exotic beauty by Roman aristocrats. She famously smuggled herself into Caesar’s bedroom, where he was immediately enraptured with her. Cleopatra made history by deftly using her looks and her way with words to ensure that debt-strapped Egypt enjoyed a cordial relationship with Rome. The secret to her beauty? Crocodile dung (also used as a contraceptive at the time) and donkey milk face masks. The price of live crocodiles, to produce the dung, skyrocketed when Roman women learned about her technique.
7. Liberace’s Eyelids
Liberace was the highest paid entertainer in the world even while Elvis and the Beatles were at the peak of their popularity. His wealth allowed Liberace the vanity to indulge in plastic surgery, which was just starting to come into vogue with aging Hollywood celebrities. Liberace was so vain that he forced a lover to get plastic surgery so that his face looked the singer’s. Liberace reputedly had so much work done on himself that he was unable to close his eyes after his final face lift. He was reduced to spending his final years using eye-drops throughout the night to keep his eyeballs from drying out.
Edit: Used the wrong picture for Elizabeth Báthory! Whoops!
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