History is full of figures with popular stature or political influence who were plagued with scandals. Most of their offenses end up getting hushed up or forgotten, but sex scandals always seem to linger. The following are 7 (alleged) sex offenders and how they managed to get away with it.

1. Pope Sixtus III

Pope Sixtus III spent most of his reign repairing the damage done to Rome after the Visigoths sacked the city in 410. In his spare time, he reputedly enjoyed sleeping with nuns, a habit which caught up with him in 440 AD when he was charged with the seduction of a nun. Sixtus’ defense was based entirely on the Biblical Story of Mary Magdalene; he dramatically ended his testimony by quoting the Bible: “Let him who is without fault among you throw the first stone.” He was acquitted, not because he knew how to quote the Bible, but because no one witnessed him raping the nun in question. Sixtus died a few months later.

2. Geoffrey Chaucer

Geoffrey Chaucer was an English author best known for The Canterbury Tales. Some of his most famous stories involve rape – at that time, “rape” meant the same as “abduction” does today – so it is ironic that in 1380, Chaucer himself was charged with the rape of a baker’s daughter, Cecily Chaumpaigne. The charges shocked his supporters who rallied to support the writer and smeared Chaumpaigne. In an effort to make the story disappear, Chaucer paid Chaumpaigne an exorbitant sum of money (10 pounds!) to sign a contract agreeing to drop the charges. This contract came to light in 1873 and is the only evidence about Chaucer’s “raptus”.

3. Ernest Augustus I of Hanover

Ernest Augustus I of Hanover was an unpopular king whose entire reign was marked with sex scandals. It started when rumors of him carrying on a gay love affair with his valet ended with the valet’s death. A few months later, a man appeared claiming that he was the result of an incestuous affair between Ernest and his sister. But it was Ernest’s attempted rape of the Lord Chancellor’s wife which caused the biggest uproar. The victim died a few months after the fact and Ernest was never charged, leading historians to forever debate over the authenticity of the charges.

4. Henry John Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston

Henry John Temple, better known as Lord Palmerston, was a controversial British Prime Minister who advocated crushing foreign governments to increase the British Empire’s power. His supporters lovingly called him “Lord Pam” while his detractors called him “Lord Cupid”. The latter was a reference to Palmerston unabashedly attempts to seduce young women wherever he went. He famously forced himself onto one of Queen Victoria’s ladies-in-waiting during a visit to Windsor Castle and had to be ejected by Lord Melbourne. Palmerston managed to beat charges, saying that he had simply forgotten that it wasn’t his room.

5. Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle

Roscoe Arbuckle was the highest paid silent-film actor of the ’20s. His career dramatically imploded when he was charged with the rape and manslaughter of a young starlet, Virginia Rappe. Reality quickly became warped as tabloids spread conflicting eyewitness testimonies that claimed the quiet actor had done everything from smothered Rappe to death with his weight to violating her with a champagne bottle. Although acquitted after three trials, Arbuckle was blackballed from Hollywood, broke, and treated like a pariah by the public. His final years were spend spiraling into alcoholism and attempting to muster a comeback as a director.

6. Errol Flynn

Errol Flynn was a Hollywood actor who filled a successful career with swashbuckling roles. He used his means to support his much publicized hedonistic private life; the phrase “In like Flynn” is refers to his supposed exploits. Flynn’s reputation caught up with him in 1942, when he was accused of statutory rape by two 17-year-old girls. Unlike Arbuckle, Hollywood rallied to Flynn’s defense and even created a legal fund for him called the “American Boys’ Club for the Defense of Errol Flynn” (A.B.C.D.E.F.). A large portion of Flynn’s defense was that he was Errol Flynn and what woman could resist him? In spite of mountains of evidence, he was miraculously acquitted and the scandal only bolstered Flynn’s reputation as a ladies man.

7. Chuck Berry

Chuck Berry is one of the original pioneers of rock and roll. Like any good rock star, his entire career was built on scandal. He spent 5 years in jail early in his career for pimping a 14-year-old. He resurrected his career after being released, but ended up in jail again on tax evasion charges. After being released again, Berry started touring heavily but quickly found himself embroiled in the largest controversy of his career. 59 women came forward to claim that Berry had filmed them with hidden cameras in two of his restaurants. Berry managed to bury the accusations, at a cost of almost $1.2 million .

Bonus: Michael Jackson

The most successful entertainer in history, Michael Jackson‘s eccentric career earned him approximately half a billion dollars and 24-hour tabloid attention. In the late-’80s, “The King of Pop” built Neverland Ranch into a sprawling property that included a menagerie and amusement park… and invited young fans to spend time with him. Tabloid speculation went absolutely insane in 1993, when the father of one of Jackson’s fans accused him of sexually abusing his son. While claiming innocence, Jackson paid off the family in an effort to avoid an O.J. Simpson-esque trial. That trial came 10 years later, after the controversial Living with Michael Jackson. The boy Jackson was seen holding hands with in the documentary accused the singer of abuse. Eventually acquitted, Jackson became a bigger recluse and could never manage to shake off the allegations. It was one of the most hotly debated topics when his death brought the Internet to its knees.

Weeee, finally back in the swing of things! Keep the motivating e-mails coming.

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History is full of epic mustaches. The Babylonians believed that a man’s virility was proportional to the thickness of his mustache and even swore oaths upon their beards. This tradition continued into Saddam Hussein’s reign, where mustaches were practically mandated. At times, one wonders if it is the man or the mustache. The following are notable examples of humanity’s timeless mustache heritage.

1. Socrates

Ancient Egypt, Greece, and Rome were not fond of facial hair. A well kept man of the time was expected to be athletic, cleanly shaved, and with cropped hair. Socrates was a short, ugly drunkard with a bristly mustache. Along with his full beard and receding hairline, Socrates’ mustache witnessed the dissemination of the Athenian philosopher’s wisdom and of rhetoric that challenged the state-defined preconceptions of the time. Ultimately put to death for “corrupting” the youth of Athens, Socrates heralded the return of the philosopher beard and is credited as the father of western philosophy.

2. Charlemagne

The Middle Ages were full of barbarians rampaging through Europe with raggedy and unkempt facial bushes. Towering over everyone else at 7 feet tall was the mustachioed Charlemagne. Although he fit the ancient description of “barbarian“, he became the first “civilized” leader outside of traditional Roman political culture by handing everyone else their asses. Charlemagne’s mustache inspired him to crush the other invaders of the former Roman Empire so ruthlessly that Pope Leo III made him Emperor of Rome. As his mustache developed into a beard, Charlemagne fostered a period of untold artistic expansion known as the Carolingian Renaissance.

3. Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan started growing his mustache after murdering his brother in a dispute about fish. Considered a symbol of wisdom, Genghis’ mustache helped him spread his aegis over most of China, all of Central Asia, most of the Middle East, and even all the way to the modern-day Czech Republic. Genghis’ empire was the largest ever seen then or ever since. Unfortunately, infighting, Japanese and Muslim resistance as well as his mustache’s traditional desire to die with its ancestors led Genghis to stop his expansion, pack up his things, and return his army home to die. His less epically mustachioed successors would have moderate success but a century later, the Mongolian Empire would be no more.

4. Otto von Bismarck

One amongst a plethora of mustachioed German statesman, Otto von Bismarck’s trademark “Kaiser” mustache quickly became symbolic of Prussian manhood. Even Hitler sported one through World War I until he was possibly ordered to whittle it down. As the architect of a united Germany in 1871, von Bismarck became known as the “Iron Chancellor” for his tough isolationist policies and hostile attitude towards all other forces in Europe. Perhaps intimidated by his lady-tickler, Russia, France, and England were cowed into forming an unlikely alliance against an aggressive German power. The web of alliances and hostility engaged by von Bismarck became one of the main catalysts of World War I where millions of mustaches would be left dying on the battlefields.

5. Ambrose Burnside

Ambrose Burnside was an inventor and politician from Rhode Island who not only promoted his Scottish ancestry with a fierce mustache but grew it so full and so distinctive that his heavy ‘stache blended into a high beard and into his hair, promoting a new term for facial hair: the “Sideburn“. The constantly smiling Burnside made friends everywhere he went and made it a point to remember everyone’s name. Unfortunately, not even his epic whiskers could prepare him for the Civil War. His inability to command troops led to an abysmal track record and a morale crushing defeat at Fredericksburg. Years later, Franklin D. Roosevelt’s attempt to emulate Burnside’s facial hair was met with laughter.

6. Friedrich Nietzsche

Bismarck’s countryman, philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche may very well have owned the brushiest, bushiest, fullest, most lip-hidingest mustache of the era. What didn’t kill Nietzsche became part of his mustache. Under his mustache, Nietzsche is remembered for many works of thought provoking insight, especially his eminently quotable statement “God is dead” immortalized in The Gay Science and Thus Spoke Zarathustra. Perhaps made confident by his lip shield, Nietzsche claimed that religious institutions were dead and that mankind would never again find solace in their auspices.

7. Theodore Roosevelt

The 26th President of the United States and arguably the most badass world leader of his time, Theodore Roosevelt’s finely groomed mustache has been immortalized in stone on Mount Rushmore. The man may have been the top statesman of his time, but his crumb-catcher is better commemorated by Roosevelt’s exploits as boxer, naturalist, and hunter. Boxing his way through a Harvard diploma in history and government studies, the President’s naturalist ambitions brought him to a 1909 hunting expedition in Africa. Bringing back specimens and carcasses of over 11,000 animals, we would surely have demonized him in 2009, but at the time, these exploits actually became (and remain) the base of the Smithsonian and the American Museum of Natural History‘s exhibits.

8. Charlie Chaplin

There may have been a more obvious embodiment of the Toothbrush mustache but it was our man Chaplin who popularized it at the turn of the 20th century. He not only pioneered and fostered comedy acting for over 75 years, but also founded United Artists in 1919 and may very well have inspired the facial grooming preferences of a young German corporal. Unfortunately, following the invention of the “talkies” in the 1920-30s, Chaplin’s comically twitching little mustache was retired and Chaplin shifted his focus to behind the cameras due to his “unappealing” voice. There, sans mustache, he still managed to find success as a producer and filmmaker.

9. Josef Stalin

20th century dictators are notorious for using their ample lip hair for evil ends. Veiled behind his mustache, Stalin was a participant in Russia’s Communist revolution of 1917 and following the death of Lenin, became the architect of Soviet Russia. From his disastrous “five-year plans” and radical nationalization that caused the starvation of millions of his people to his alliance with Hitler destined to divide up Poland and to his eventual conquest of Eastern Europe, this graying and impossibly symmetrical mustache is remembered as one of the most ruthless mustaches in history. That being said, the victims of Stalin’s regime and historians in general are dismayed to see his image is being progressively rehabilitated in today’s Russia. Indeed, a recent poll declared him the third greatest Russian of all-time.

10. Salvador Dali

This Spanish artist’s crazy mustache may very well have inspired the mind-boggling qualities of his oeuvre. Dali grew his mustache as a marketing tool, he knew he would stand out a zany artist if he had bizarre facial hair. He called it his “antennae” when asked about it, saying that he grew inspiration from it. From “The Persistence of Memory” to “Shirley Temple: The Youngest, Most Sacred Monster”, the melty clocks, and demon-children of this mustache’s pieces have made it an enduring part of popular culture. In the end, the surrealist eccentric and his crazy mustache spent their lives shocking the world. Accordingly, Dali died both hated and loved but left no one indifferent and remains universally famous.

Bonus: Ned Flanders

Assuredly not an actual person and most definitely not a historic figure, Ned Flanders’ left-handed mustache in The Simpsons has graced worldwide screens since 1989. More than a caricature of the Christian right, Stupid Flanders has been an omnipresent critique as well as an invitation to question our tenets of morality and ethics for the better part of two decades. The result of appearing on a show that is now aired in most countries on earth at least several times a day is evident: despite not being a main character, his name, his persona, and his mustache are known worldwide. Furthermore, keeping in mind that television signals travel at the speed of light when breaking free of our atmosphere, Flanders’ soup strainer may be famous in an interstellar way at this point. Bringing warmth, friendliness and a blanket-feeling of honesty, the Flanders mustache ends our list as a true testament to the power of facial hair throughout history.

Jonathan is a historian with his own blog over at The End is Coming.

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Even though the rules of hygiene were extremely relaxed during some periods of history, the following 15 people – royalty, actresses, philosophers, and more – became known not only for their accomplishments but also their disastrous hygiene.

1. Benedict of Aniane

Saint Joseph once preached, “He who has bathed in Christ has no need for a second bath.” Early Christians took this literally and never bathed. Benedict was an odd monk that spent most of his life in rags, rarely eating, and speaking only in awkward outcries. He was canonized for saving monasticism in the 8th century, through which he spread the idea that bathing was a vanity that facilitated sins of the flesh. This meme stuck with Christians until the 18th century.

2. Henry IV of France

One of the most popular French kings, Henry tried to provide his citizens with a “chicken in the pot every Sunday.” Even though he believed in changing his shirt every morning, a rarity in 16th century France, he also loved hunting and refused to bathe or mask his odor with cologne afterwards. His mistress often told him he smelled like carrion. His second wife fainted from his stench the first time she met him and doused herself with perfume just to have sex with him on their wedding night.

3. Miyamoto Musashi

The Japanese have a long history of promoting hygiene, but Musashi was a different story. He spent most of the 17th century wandering Japan as a vagabond warrior, sword fighting anyone he ran across. His fighting style involved wielding two swords above above his head and was so complicated that none of his pupils ever mastered it. He never married, cut his hair, or bathed unless he was visiting a feudal lord because he did not want to be caught unprepared. Besides, there were better things to do like sword fighting.

4. Louis XIV of France

During the 72 year reign of Louis, France established an absolute monarchy, Versailles was built, and The Sun King waged war with everyone. Possibly hydrophobic, he refused to bathe unless his doctors forced him to and took two, possibly three, baths his entire life. He preferred to be dusted with scented powder and washed his face with a rag soaked in alcohol. Louis refused surgery on a gangrenous foot, leading to his death, and would lose chunks of it around Versailles.

5. Frederick II of Prussia

Frederick transformed Prussia from a European backwater to a world powerhouse, and then spent the rest of his life shuffling around Sanssouci with a pack of Italian greyhounds, berating anyone that cleaned up the ankle-deep dog shit. Possibly insane, he started refusing to bathe and stopped changing his clothes for years. When he died, in 1786, the shirt on his back was so rotten with sweat that his valet used one of his own to bury the king.

6. Charles Howard

A staunch opponent of George III, the 11th Duke of Norfolk rebuilt and refurbished Arundel Castle. In a time when bathing was starting to gain acceptance, he never took a voluntary bath his entire life and became known as the “Dirty Duke” as a result. His valets would trick him into it by getting him drunk and then scrubbing him down. He once complained to Dudley North that he had tried everything to cure his rheumatism. North quipped, “Pray, my lord, did you ever try a clean shirt?”

7. Ludwig van Beethoven

Influenced by the Enlightenment, a deaf Beethoven pushed Romantic music to the forefront in the 18th century. His refusal to bathe stemmed from the constant pain of lead poisoning. It also made him extremely crabby at concerts, he commonly threw things at people talking during his concerts. A speech impediment made it hard to understand Beethoven and often resulted in violent tirades if he was asked to repeat himself. The few friends he had would sneak away his clothes to wash while he slept.

8. Karl Marx

As the mind behind Communism, Marx wanted the working class to rise up but instead helped totalitarian regimes justify their existence. He suffered from pus leaking carbuncles and boils that were worsened by chain smoking, heavy drinking, and belief that cleanliness was a bourgeoisie excess. Marx took pride in pages of the original manuscript of Das Kapital that were splattered with blood from his lanced boils, claiming that it proved he understood the plight of the proletariat.

9. Henrietta Green

With an estimated net worth of $3.8 billion, Green became one of the richest women in history through her extreme frugality. She avoided surgery on a hernia because it cost $150, ignored her son’s broken leg until it had to be amputated, and tried to swindle a dying aunt out of money. The few times she bathed, she did so without hot water and soap, and she spent her entire life in a series of black dresses that she wore until they wore out. In her later years she became extremely paranoid and died while arguing about skim milk.

10. Diego Rivera

A famous Mexican muralist, Rivera helped bring art to the common Mexican by kick-starting the Mexican Mural Renaissance. He was also briefly married to Frida Kahlo and became famous for his constant cheating. Incredibly obese, often ballooning beyond 300 pounds, and avoided bathing (possibly because he didn’t see the point of if he could meet women without it). When one of his wives, Lupe Marin, met him for the first time she asked, “Is this the great Diego Rivera? He looks horrible to me.”

11. Chairman Mao Zedong

Mao’s harsh socio-political programs killed millions of his countrymen but helped turn China into a world power. He never brushed his teeth or bathed his entire reign. Instead, concubines were forced to scrub his body with damp towels while be chewed tea leaves to clean his teeth. When offered a toothbrush by one of his physicians, Mao refused on the grounds that tigers didn’t brush their teeth either. You can’t argue with that logic.

12. Geoffrey Pyke

A British spy during WWII and an innovator, Pyke is best known for developing pykrete, a type of ice that is extremely slow to melt. He wanted to use this material to build a fleet of ships that were impervious to U-Boat attacks. A typical boffin, he abhorred wearing socks and usually presented himself in a rarely washed suit. Pyke also hated bathing, rarely shaved, and avoided cutting his hair. Conversations with Pyke were just as wild as his appearance, as he often launching into extremely technical diatribes when questioned.

13. Howard Hughes

Hughes transformed from a polished, handsome aviator and movie producer to a 90 pound skeleton that only trusted Mormons. It started in 1957, when he locked himself in a studio with milk, chocolate, and Kleenex to watch movies completely naked. Upon emerging, he refused to bathe and trimmed his hair and nails only once a year. He became a recluse, living in Las Vegas and the Bahamas, and was so unidentifiable when he died that police had to use his fingerprints to make sure it was actually Hughes.

14. Ernesto Guevara

The Argentine revolutionary, Che Guevara helped Fidel Castro bring Communism to Cuba. He loved rugby, cigars, and Rolexes, but hated bathing his entire life. As a child he was called “Chancho”, pig, by friends and took pride in wearing the same shirt for a whole week. He kept this trend going through most of his life, rarely bothering to bathe or change out of his olive green fatigues. He became one of the most famous t-shirts in history after he died.

15. Marilyn Monroe

Considered an example of the feminine ideal, Monroe went through a long string of lovers that included Joe DiMaggio and John F. Kennedy. But according to a Clark Gable biography, Gable described her as extremely dirty, and not in the sexual sense. According to Gable she suffered from irritable bowel syndrome, rarely bathed, and ate exclusively in bed – shoving what was left under her bed.

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Plato once said, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”  If the internet has proven one thing it is that there is someone out there for everyone.  This is a list of 10 people from different parts of history that were also famous for being ugly by their society’s standards.  You’ll find philosophers, sideshow freaks, politicians, and even a queen.

10 ) Socrates

Credited as one of the founders of Western philosophy, Socrates was also well known for his piggish features. Alcibiades, an Athenian general and student of Socrates, compared his appearance to Silenus. Silenus was a legendary follower of Dionysus that was portrayed as morbidly obese, constantly drunk, and balding.

Zopyrus, a rival philosopher that believed people should be judged on appearance alone, said that Socrates was “stupid, brutal, sensual, and addicted to drunkenness”, making him an ugly yet sexy drunk. When his followers violently objected, Socrates stepped in and said that the reading was on the mark.

9 ) Attila the Hun

Practically unstoppable, Attila almost wiped out Western civilization until Pope Leo I talked him out of sacking Rome. According to Hollywood he looked like Gerard Butler, better known as Leonidas from 300, since Butler played him in the 2001 television series.

The reality is that he looked more like Shrek. Passages from history describe an extremely short man, built like an ogre, who so hideous that he was “human and yet not.” He is described with a bulbous head, flat nose, moist nostrils, beady eyes, and thin beard. None of this stopped him from marrying 12 beautiful women and dying while devirginizing his last one.

8 ) Tannakin Skinker

The epitome of a butterface, Skinker was born to a rich 17th century German family. Her parents kept her deformity secret for years, until news about the “hog-faced gentlewoman” leaked out and people started lining up for hours to catch a glimpse. The family attempted to use the hype to marry her off, dressing her in the finest bejeweled clothes to draw attention away from her face and offering a massive dowry to anyone brave enough to marry her. One man stepped up, saying: “Put her head in a black bagge and what difference between her and another woman?” Then her veil was lifted and he hightailed it out of there. Skinker died a single woman.

7 ) Frederick North

An 18th century Prime Minister of Great Britain, Lord North embraced his unattractive appearance. He insisted that his portraits accurately depict that he was a portly man with thick lips and eyes that bulged from his face. While at a dinner party he was asked about the “frightful woman” sitting across from him. He informed the man that it was his wife. Realizing his blunder the man said that he meant the “monster next to her.” North simply replied: “That is my daughter, and I may tell you, sir, that we are considered to be three of the ugliest people in London.”

6 ) Jean-Paul Marat

Considered to be one of the most important men in French history, Marat was best known for his rabble rousing journalism during the French Revolution and his harsh stance against the new government. He spent most of his time in a bathtub to get relief from a bunch of skin diseases he picked up while hiding in the French sewer system. His supporters described him as short, squat, and blessed with an “unflagging malodor.” His enemies simply called him repulsive and one eventually assassinated him while he was in the bathtub.

5 ) Queen Charlotte

Before Photoshop there was the court painter.  It was rumored that King George III’s insanity was caused by the trauma of having sex with Queen Charlotte. Wikipedia describes her as “plain faced.” Thankfully, no 18th century Londoners can edit Wikipedia because when she first arrived to take her throne she was greeted with cries of “pug-face.” When she inquired about the chants her translators told her it meant “God bless her Majesty.”

4 ) George Lewes

Lewes became a 19th century celebrity due to his ability to carry on a conversation with practically anyone and for writing a famous biography of Gothe. He was also considered to be one of the ugliest men in England due to his buck teeth and oddly shaped head. He took this to heart and and attempted to hide his flaws with a large beard. Douglas Jerrold, a particularly savage writer, once said that the chimpanzee at the Zoological Gardens died “out of jealousy, because there existed a creature more hideous than itself!”

3  ) Julia Pastrana

Pastrana was a 19th century Mexican that was born with hypertrichosis terminalis, a condition that caused her face and most of her body to be covered in straight dark hair. Theodore Lent bought her from her mother in order to teach her to sing and play music. He then exploited her on a worldwide tour called “Bearded and Hairy Lady.” He eventually married her to secure all rights to her likeness. When she was pregnant with his child he sold tickets to the birth. The deformed child survived for 3 days and Pastrana died from complications afterwards. None of this stopped Lent, who simply had her and the child embalmed, placed in a glass case, and sent on a lucrative world tour. He was eventually committed to a mental institution.

2 ) J. G. Biggar

A 19th century Irish nationalist, Biggar basically invented the filibuster by talking down anything related to the Irish Coercion Act. The first time Biggar stood up to give a speech, Benjamin Disraeli asked, “What creature is that?” After being informed it was Biggar, Disraeli remarked: “Oh! I thought it had been a Leprechaun, one of those things that comes out in the moonlight to dance with fairies.” Disraeli wasn’t just being a dick. Biggar was born with a hunch, forcing him to walk with a cane, had large Hobbitesque feet, a “face like a gargoyle”, and skinny bony fingers. He also suffered from a speech impediment, making his long speeches highly effective in their ability to clear the room.

1 ) Joseph Merrick

The Elephant Man is probably the most famously ugly person in history. He suffered from Proteus syndrome, a genetic disorder that caused bony growths and tumors over large sections of his body. He walked with an odd hobble and often wore a cap and hood that covered his face. Even though he was highly intelligent, easy going, and artistically inclined he was relegated to working the freak show circuit because he was otherwise unemployable. Merrick was obsessed with attempting to live a normal life and ended up passing away when the weight of his head snapped his spine while he was asleep.

Bonus: Sarah Jessica Parker

Aside from Michael Jackson, I can’t think of a single person that is alive today that gets as much flak as Sarah Jessica Parker does for their physical appearance.  She was voted unsexiest woman alive by Maxim, practically all of the comments on her AskMen profile compare her to a horse, and yes, there is actually a website called Sarah Jessica Parker Looks Like A Horse.  Ouch.

Edit: Clarity and typo.

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What have you accomplished so far in your life?  Graduated college, working a nice 9-5 job, and hanging out at the poshest clubs, bars, and lounges around town?  Fancy yourself to be a bit of a badass, right?  Well, you aren’t.  This is a list of 10 individuals that were so amazing at what they did that calling them anything less than a badass is an insult.

10 ) Cale Yarborough

Yarborough made NASCAR interesting by getting into a fist fight during the first televised race. Over the years he has been shot, bitten by a rattlesnake, struck by lightning, and nearly mauled to death by a bear while flying an airplane. His shining moment came in 1958 while working as a skydiver in Jacksonville.  During a 5,000 foot jump his chute didn’t deploy until 200 feet when it provided him with minimal drag.  He walked away, later saying: “Lucky for me, I landed on a patch of high grass and mud, which gave me a little bit of a cushion. I walked away with a chipped elbow.”

9 ) Nikola Tesla

Everything that makes the modern world “modern” – radio, wireless technology, light bulbs, induction motors, remote controls, and the microwave oven to name a few – were invented by a Serbian scientist. Tesla was so devoted to science that he stayed celibate so he could attempt to harness TS waves to use the Earth as a tuning fork to transmit energy anywhere for free, control the weather, and destroy areas at will. Even though this is all in the realm of mad science the government was interested and he spent his final years developing a death ray that would allow him to destroy planes from over 250 miles away. His first tests coincided with the Tunguska Event and people have theorized that he had something to do with it.

8 ) Khalid ibn al-Walid

It is too easy to pick Leonidas, Shaka Zulu, and the like, the “Sword of Islam” never lost a battle and cut through the Byzantine, Roman, and Persian empires even when vastly outnumbered and outarmed. Al-Walid answered Fergie by killing valuable camels to drink the water stored in their humps so he could make it across desert expanses to attack enemies from their unguarded side. He chose to become a foot solider after being dismissed as a general until he was asked to resign completely because Caliph Umar was afraid that the personality cult surrounding al-Walid was rivaling devotion to Allah. His final words were: “May the eyes of the cowards never sleep.”

7 ) Jack Churchill

If you were to mix Derek Zoolander, Rambo, and a Viking you would end up with Fighting Jack Churchill. After getting bored with military life he became a male model, honed his archery skills, and and started playing bagpipes even though he wasn’t Scottish. When WWII started he signed up as a commando even though he wasn’t sure what it entailed – it sounded dangerous, so he signed up. He preferred going into battle with his bagpipes, a Claymore sword, war bow, and arrows. In 1943, armed with only a sword and belt, he convinced 42 Nazi soldiers armed to the teeth to give up. After the war he briefly worked as a stunt archer before he devoted his life to surfing. Eat your heart out Chuck Norris.

6 ) Fred Rogers

How am I going from the insanity of Jack Churchill to the sweaters of Mister Rogers? Because the soft spoken Mister Rogers did the impossible by convincing the morass of Congress to do something positive. When they were considering cutting funding for public television he put on his shoes and gave testimony over why he believed that television gave children hope and made them more productive members of society. Congress ended up increasing funding instead. When Congress gave into pressure from the MPAA over the legality of VCRs recording show, he convinced them that it allowed working parents to enjoy his shows with their children as a family. The world could use another Mister Rogers.

5 ) Sonya Carson

In the same vein as Fred Rogers, the mother of Dr. Ben Carson is a testament to awesome mothers everywhere. Ben was born into poverty, had anger issues, and was failing as the only black kid in all white schools. Even though she worked numerous part-time jobs, Sonya Carson wasn’t going to let her children become Detroit statistics.  She wouldn’t allow Ben to watch television, forced him to read two books a week, got him to write book reports over them, and then graded each of the reports.  He ended up going to Yale and became a world famous surgeon that pioneered surgeries that separated conjoined twins. Did I mention that she was functionally illiterate and only had a 3rd grade education?

4 ) Buford Pusser

McNairy County, Tennessee had an organized crime problem in ’60s and Sheriff Buford Pusser had an idea to solve it: he got a 4×4, carved it into a club, and used it beat the living crap out of criminals. He jailed 7,500 criminals over 6 years by targeting illegal gambling dens, prostitution rings, and moonshine stills. Even after they killed his wife, shot him 8 times, and stabbed him 7 times he kept beating the living crap out of organized crime.  He once jumped onto a the hood of a car that tried to run him over, smashed the window, and beat the crap out of the driver.

3 ) Ferdinand Magellan

In an age of frilly shirted European explorers Magellan was crabby, ruthless, and quick to fight anyone that didn’t listen to him.  In 1521 he demonstrated that shock and awe is always a successful tactic by taking on 1,500 Cebu natives with 49 sailors. They were quickly overpowered and Magellan was hit in the leg with a poison dart.  After ordering his men to escape he stayed behind with 6-7 of his most loyal men and fought to his death. Occasionally turning to check if his men had boarded the ship, he somehow found the strength to impale a man with a lance even after getting hit in the face with a bamboo spear.

2 ) Francois l’Ollonais

L’Ollonais will replace your favorite pirate because he understood that the job entailed being completely bloodthirsty.  In the 1660′s, he was the only survivor after his crew was slaughtered by Spanish troops and got his revenge by holding Tortuga for ransom, beheading everyone but one man on the ship that was sent to capture him, and then sending that man back with a message saying he would never give a Spaniard quarter again. He kept his promise by constantly pillaging Spanish settlements. During an interrogation he pulled out the heart of a Spaniard, gnawed at it, and promised the rest to do the same to him if they didn’t provide him with safe passage.

1 ) Theodore Roosevelt

Teddy Roosevelt’s life is full of so many awesome stories that it is almost impossible to pick just a few.  While working as deputy sheriff his boat was stolen by outlaws. He tracked them down, captured them, and decided to take them to the authorities. He ended up guarding them without sleep for 40 hours and read Tolstoy to keep awake. When has War and Peace NOT put someone to sleep?! He was given the Congressional Medal of Honor for charging Juan Hill on foot and later given the Nobel Peace Prize for negotiating the end of the Russo-Japanese War. Yes, he won an award for violence and another for peace.

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