History is full of figures with popular stature or political influence who were plagued with scandals. Most of their offenses end up getting hushed up or forgotten, but sex scandals always seem to linger. The following are 7 (alleged) sex offenders and how they managed to get away with it.

1. Pope Sixtus III

Pope Sixtus III spent most of his reign repairing the damage done to Rome after the Visigoths sacked the city in 410. In his spare time, he reputedly enjoyed sleeping with nuns, a habit which caught up with him in 440 AD when he was charged with the seduction of a nun. Sixtus’ defense was based entirely on the Biblical Story of Mary Magdalene; he dramatically ended his testimony by quoting the Bible: “Let him who is without fault among you throw the first stone.” He was acquitted, not because he knew how to quote the Bible, but because no one witnessed him raping the nun in question. Sixtus died a few months later.

2. Geoffrey Chaucer

Geoffrey Chaucer was an English author best known for The Canterbury Tales. Some of his most famous stories involve rape – at that time, “rape” meant the same as “abduction” does today – so it is ironic that in 1380, Chaucer himself was charged with the rape of a baker’s daughter, Cecily Chaumpaigne. The charges shocked his supporters who rallied to support the writer and smeared Chaumpaigne. In an effort to make the story disappear, Chaucer paid Chaumpaigne an exorbitant sum of money (10 pounds!) to sign a contract agreeing to drop the charges. This contract came to light in 1873 and is the only evidence about Chaucer’s “raptus”.

3. Ernest Augustus I of Hanover

Ernest Augustus I of Hanover was an unpopular king whose entire reign was marked with sex scandals. It started when rumors of him carrying on a gay love affair with his valet ended with the valet’s death. A few months later, a man appeared claiming that he was the result of an incestuous affair between Ernest and his sister. But it was Ernest’s attempted rape of the Lord Chancellor’s wife which caused the biggest uproar. The victim died a few months after the fact and Ernest was never charged, leading historians to forever debate over the authenticity of the charges.

4. Henry John Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston

Henry John Temple, better known as Lord Palmerston, was a controversial British Prime Minister who advocated crushing foreign governments to increase the British Empire’s power. His supporters lovingly called him “Lord Pam” while his detractors called him “Lord Cupid”. The latter was a reference to Palmerston unabashedly attempts to seduce young women wherever he went. He famously forced himself onto one of Queen Victoria’s ladies-in-waiting during a visit to Windsor Castle and had to be ejected by Lord Melbourne. Palmerston managed to beat charges, saying that he had simply forgotten that it wasn’t his room.

5. Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle

Roscoe Arbuckle was the highest paid silent-film actor of the ’20s. His career dramatically imploded when he was charged with the rape and manslaughter of a young starlet, Virginia Rappe. Reality quickly became warped as tabloids spread conflicting eyewitness testimonies that claimed the quiet actor had done everything from smothered Rappe to death with his weight to violating her with a champagne bottle. Although acquitted after three trials, Arbuckle was blackballed from Hollywood, broke, and treated like a pariah by the public. His final years were spend spiraling into alcoholism and attempting to muster a comeback as a director.

6. Errol Flynn

Errol Flynn was a Hollywood actor who filled a successful career with swashbuckling roles. He used his means to support his much publicized hedonistic private life; the phrase “In like Flynn” is refers to his supposed exploits. Flynn’s reputation caught up with him in 1942, when he was accused of statutory rape by two 17-year-old girls. Unlike Arbuckle, Hollywood rallied to Flynn’s defense and even created a legal fund for him called the “American Boys’ Club for the Defense of Errol Flynn” (A.B.C.D.E.F.). A large portion of Flynn’s defense was that he was Errol Flynn and what woman could resist him? In spite of mountains of evidence, he was miraculously acquitted and the scandal only bolstered Flynn’s reputation as a ladies man.

7. Chuck Berry

Chuck Berry is one of the original pioneers of rock and roll. Like any good rock star, his entire career was built on scandal. He spent 5 years in jail early in his career for pimping a 14-year-old. He resurrected his career after being released, but ended up in jail again on tax evasion charges. After being released again, Berry started touring heavily but quickly found himself embroiled in the largest controversy of his career. 59 women came forward to claim that Berry had filmed them with hidden cameras in two of his restaurants. Berry managed to bury the accusations, at a cost of almost $1.2 million .

Bonus: Michael Jackson

The most successful entertainer in history, Michael Jackson‘s eccentric career earned him approximately half a billion dollars and 24-hour tabloid attention. In the late-’80s, “The King of Pop” built Neverland Ranch into a sprawling property that included a menagerie and amusement park… and invited young fans to spend time with him. Tabloid speculation went absolutely insane in 1993, when the father of one of Jackson’s fans accused him of sexually abusing his son. While claiming innocence, Jackson paid off the family in an effort to avoid an O.J. Simpson-esque trial. That trial came 10 years later, after the controversial Living with Michael Jackson. The boy Jackson was seen holding hands with in the documentary accused the singer of abuse. Eventually acquitted, Jackson became a bigger recluse and could never manage to shake off the allegations. It was one of the most hotly debated topics when his death brought the Internet to its knees.

Weeee, finally back in the swing of things! Keep the motivating e-mails coming.

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History can be extremely forgiving if you are a genius. So much so, that most people seem to have forgotten that the following five geniuses were massive assholes when they were alive and kicking. Petty fights, driving people to suicide, and even electrocuting an elephant – it is all here.

1. Thomas Edison

The Genius:

Thomas Edison realized the benefits of teamwork in the invention process. He created one of the first industrial research laboratories with the purpose to profit from the patents behind the ideas it generated. The phonograph transformed entertainment and his version of the light bulb lit the night. Edison pushed the world into a modern industrial era by thinking up and implementing power generation and distribution. The secret to Edison’s success was fairly simple: own the rights, be first to market, mass produce, and relentlessly attack competitors.

The Asshole:

Unfortunately, Edison had a habit of stealing ideas. He famously promised Nikola Tesla $50,000 to improve his direct current generators and then balked when Tesla delivered, saying: “Tesla, you don’t understand our American humor.”  This, along with Edison’s dismissive attitude towards Tesla’s ideas on alternating current, led to the War of Currents. Edison took out page-sized newspaper ads, created the electric chair (which some people argue he stole from an employee), and even electrocuted an elephant to death to prove that Tesla’s ideas were unsafe. Edison also ruined groundbreaking French filmmaker Georges Méliès. Méliès had spent a fortune creating creating the popular film Le Voyage Dans La Lune (A Trip To The Moon) but never saw a cent from the profits in the United States because Edison distributed pirated copies of it and ignored Méliès’ pleas. Méliès eventually went bankrupt and died a penniless vagabond.

2. Nikola Tesla

The Genius:

Nikola Tesla thought up, or invented, practically all of the technology we enjoy today. Edison’s light bulb would have been worthless if it wasn’t for Tesla’s genius. He crushed Edison in the War of Currents, making alternating current the basis for practically all electricity on the planet. Tesla was also the mind behind the X-Ray, wireless technology, radio, radar, and fluorescent lights but never got credit for any of it for various reasons. Tesla became obsessed with developing death rays in his later years and might have been responsible for the Tunguska explosion.

The Asshole:

While Edison later regretted his mistreatment of Tesla, Tesla never forgave. The only negative comment in coverage the New York Times ran after Edison’s death came from Tesla:

He had no hobby, cared for no sort of amusement of any kind and lived in utter disregard of the most elementary rules of hygiene. [...] His method was inefficient in the extreme, for an immense ground had to be covered to get anything at all unless blind chance intervened and, at first, I was almost a sorry witness of his doings, knowing that just a little theory and calculation would have saved him 90 per cent of the labor. But he had a veritable contempt for book learning and mathematical knowledge, trusting himself entirely to his inventor’s instinct and practical American sense.

While this burning hatred might be justifiable, Tesla’s treatment of people he felt were below him earns him a spot on this list. He had an unmatched disgust for overweight people and once fired a secretary for knocking over equipment. When she begged for her job on her hands and knees, Tesla launched into a diatribe about her physique. An impeccable dresser, Tesla expected all of his staff to dress to the nines while in his laboratory. He frequently sent people home for not dressing to his standards.

3. Ludwig van Beethoven

The Genius:

Ludwig van Beethoven was damn good with the piano. The son of a piano teacher, Beethoven was considered a miraculous prodigy by the age of nine and was considered to be one of the most influential composers by his twenties. He even wrote some of his most famous pieces after going completely deaf. Most music historians consider him the most influential figure during the transition from the Classical era to the Romantic era.

The Asshole:

Beethoven redefined the term “crabby asshole”: he threw things at people speaking during his concerts and attacked anyone who asked him to repeat himself. Beethoven outdid himself  after his brother passed away. Even though he never cared much for his nephew, Karl, but he hated his sister-in-law so much that he put composing on hold for a few years and doggedly focused on making sure she had no custody over the child. He used his connections to win guardianship and dragged his sister-in-law’s name through the mud in multiple trials. All of this was too much for young Karl, who attempted to commit suicide by shooting himself in the head. He survived and was eventually taken back to live with his mother.

4. Robert Hooke

The Genius:

Robert Hooke discovered the law of elasticity, pioneered use of the microscope, and coined the term “cell” to describe the smallest part of an organism that can be classified as living. Hooke was also an influential architect who was responsible for surveying London after the Great Fire. As the curator of the Royal Society, he was involved in hundreds of experiments. These led him to become one of the first people to promote evolution, to suggest that air expands when heated, and to develop one of the first gravitational models. Just like Tesla, he never received credit for large portions of his work.

The Asshole:

Unlike Tesla, who was an asshole to anyone he felt was beneath him, Hooke rarely received credit because he was a jealous douchebag who used his position to bully people around. He routinely claimed full credit for work that involved multiple researchers , would dramatically claim he had been plagiarized every few months, and was incredibly caustic towards anyone who stole his limelight. Hooke’s relationship with Isaac Newton transformed into an intense feud after Hooke forced Newton to present a working reflecting telescope and then openly tore his ideas apart. Newton was so offended that he refused to debate in public again and would respond to Hooke only by writing letters back to him. When Hooke claimed Newton stole his ideas about optics, Newton wrote back:

If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.

If you missed the masterstroke, I’ll explain it: Hooke was a short hunchback and Newton was implying that Hooke was both a physical and mental midget.

5. Isaac Newton

The Genius:

Isaac Newton was one of the most intelligent people, ever. He built the first practical reflecting telescope and  figured out that white light was made up of many colors, all of which formed the visible spectrum of light. But, his biggest accomplishment was publishing Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica. It laid the core for classical mechanics by describing universal gravitation and the three laws of motion. Newton’s discoveries influenced practically every major scientific discovery for the next three centuries. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that most scientists consider him to be the most influential scientist that ever lived.

The Asshole:

Newton was also a passive-aggressive curmudgeon who spent his entire career involved in nerd battles with his peers. His behavior bordered on the bizarre so many times that many historians believe he might have suffered from Asperger’s Syndrome. His feud with Hooke ended with Hooke’s death, but Newton had the last laugh years later by pettily making the only  authenticated portrait of Hooke disappear. Historians still debate Hooke’s appearance because of his action. When Newton disagreed with astronomer John Flamsteed‘s zealous approach to research, Newton stole his work and published it under Edmund Halley, Flamsteed’s mortal enemy. Newton’s douchebaggery is most apparent in his feud with Gottfried Leibniz. Newton discovered calculus first but Leibniz was published first. Newton accused Leibniz of plagiarism, orchestrated a “review committee” filled with his personal friends, personally wrote the committee findings, and even wrote the anonymous review of those findings. Discredited and heartbroken, Leibniz died of a heart attack. When Newton heard about this, he reputedly commented that he had enjoyed breaking Leibniz’s heart.

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Even though the rules of hygiene were extremely relaxed during some periods of history, the following 15 people – royalty, actresses, philosophers, and more – became known not only for their accomplishments but also their disastrous hygiene.

1. Benedict of Aniane

Saint Joseph once preached, “He who has bathed in Christ has no need for a second bath.” Early Christians took this literally and never bathed. Benedict was an odd monk that spent most of his life in rags, rarely eating, and speaking only in awkward outcries. He was canonized for saving monasticism in the 8th century, through which he spread the idea that bathing was a vanity that facilitated sins of the flesh. This meme stuck with Christians until the 18th century.

2. Henry IV of France

One of the most popular French kings, Henry tried to provide his citizens with a “chicken in the pot every Sunday.” Even though he believed in changing his shirt every morning, a rarity in 16th century France, he also loved hunting and refused to bathe or mask his odor with cologne afterwards. His mistress often told him he smelled like carrion. His second wife fainted from his stench the first time she met him and doused herself with perfume just to have sex with him on their wedding night.

3. Miyamoto Musashi

The Japanese have a long history of promoting hygiene, but Musashi was a different story. He spent most of the 17th century wandering Japan as a vagabond warrior, sword fighting anyone he ran across. His fighting style involved wielding two swords above above his head and was so complicated that none of his pupils ever mastered it. He never married, cut his hair, or bathed unless he was visiting a feudal lord because he did not want to be caught unprepared. Besides, there were better things to do like sword fighting.

4. Louis XIV of France

During the 72 year reign of Louis, France established an absolute monarchy, Versailles was built, and The Sun King waged war with everyone. Possibly hydrophobic, he refused to bathe unless his doctors forced him to and took two, possibly three, baths his entire life. He preferred to be dusted with scented powder and washed his face with a rag soaked in alcohol. Louis refused surgery on a gangrenous foot, leading to his death, and would lose chunks of it around Versailles.

5. Frederick II of Prussia

Frederick transformed Prussia from a European backwater to a world powerhouse, and then spent the rest of his life shuffling around Sanssouci with a pack of Italian greyhounds, berating anyone that cleaned up the ankle-deep dog shit. Possibly insane, he started refusing to bathe and stopped changing his clothes for years. When he died, in 1786, the shirt on his back was so rotten with sweat that his valet used one of his own to bury the king.

6. Charles Howard

A staunch opponent of George III, the 11th Duke of Norfolk rebuilt and refurbished Arundel Castle. In a time when bathing was starting to gain acceptance, he never took a voluntary bath his entire life and became known as the “Dirty Duke” as a result. His valets would trick him into it by getting him drunk and then scrubbing him down. He once complained to Dudley North that he had tried everything to cure his rheumatism. North quipped, “Pray, my lord, did you ever try a clean shirt?”

7. Ludwig van Beethoven

Influenced by the Enlightenment, a deaf Beethoven pushed Romantic music to the forefront in the 18th century. His refusal to bathe stemmed from the constant pain of lead poisoning. It also made him extremely crabby at concerts, he commonly threw things at people talking during his concerts. A speech impediment made it hard to understand Beethoven and often resulted in violent tirades if he was asked to repeat himself. The few friends he had would sneak away his clothes to wash while he slept.

8. Karl Marx

As the mind behind Communism, Marx wanted the working class to rise up but instead helped totalitarian regimes justify their existence. He suffered from pus leaking carbuncles and boils that were worsened by chain smoking, heavy drinking, and belief that cleanliness was a bourgeoisie excess. Marx took pride in pages of the original manuscript of Das Kapital that were splattered with blood from his lanced boils, claiming that it proved he understood the plight of the proletariat.

9. Henrietta Green

With an estimated net worth of $3.8 billion, Green became one of the richest women in history through her extreme frugality. She avoided surgery on a hernia because it cost $150, ignored her son’s broken leg until it had to be amputated, and tried to swindle a dying aunt out of money. The few times she bathed, she did so without hot water and soap, and she spent her entire life in a series of black dresses that she wore until they wore out. In her later years she became extremely paranoid and died while arguing about skim milk.

10. Diego Rivera

A famous Mexican muralist, Rivera helped bring art to the common Mexican by kick-starting the Mexican Mural Renaissance. He was also briefly married to Frida Kahlo and became famous for his constant cheating. Incredibly obese, often ballooning beyond 300 pounds, and avoided bathing (possibly because he didn’t see the point of if he could meet women without it). When one of his wives, Lupe Marin, met him for the first time she asked, “Is this the great Diego Rivera? He looks horrible to me.”

11. Chairman Mao Zedong

Mao’s harsh socio-political programs killed millions of his countrymen but helped turn China into a world power. He never brushed his teeth or bathed his entire reign. Instead, concubines were forced to scrub his body with damp towels while be chewed tea leaves to clean his teeth. When offered a toothbrush by one of his physicians, Mao refused on the grounds that tigers didn’t brush their teeth either. You can’t argue with that logic.

12. Geoffrey Pyke

A British spy during WWII and an innovator, Pyke is best known for developing pykrete, a type of ice that is extremely slow to melt. He wanted to use this material to build a fleet of ships that were impervious to U-Boat attacks. A typical boffin, he abhorred wearing socks and usually presented himself in a rarely washed suit. Pyke also hated bathing, rarely shaved, and avoided cutting his hair. Conversations with Pyke were just as wild as his appearance, as he often launching into extremely technical diatribes when questioned.

13. Howard Hughes

Hughes transformed from a polished, handsome aviator and movie producer to a 90 pound skeleton that only trusted Mormons. It started in 1957, when he locked himself in a studio with milk, chocolate, and Kleenex to watch movies completely naked. Upon emerging, he refused to bathe and trimmed his hair and nails only once a year. He became a recluse, living in Las Vegas and the Bahamas, and was so unidentifiable when he died that police had to use his fingerprints to make sure it was actually Hughes.

14. Ernesto Guevara

The Argentine revolutionary, Che Guevara helped Fidel Castro bring Communism to Cuba. He loved rugby, cigars, and Rolexes, but hated bathing his entire life. As a child he was called “Chancho”, pig, by friends and took pride in wearing the same shirt for a whole week. He kept this trend going through most of his life, rarely bothering to bathe or change out of his olive green fatigues. He became one of the most famous t-shirts in history after he died.

15. Marilyn Monroe

Considered an example of the feminine ideal, Monroe went through a long string of lovers that included Joe DiMaggio and John F. Kennedy. But according to a Clark Gable biography, Gable described her as extremely dirty, and not in the sexual sense. According to Gable she suffered from irritable bowel syndrome, rarely bathed, and ate exclusively in bed – shoving what was left under her bed.

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Plato once said, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”  If the internet has proven one thing it is that there is someone out there for everyone.  This is a list of 10 people from different parts of history that were also famous for being ugly by their society’s standards.  You’ll find philosophers, sideshow freaks, politicians, and even a queen.

10 ) Socrates

Credited as one of the founders of Western philosophy, Socrates was also well known for his piggish features. Alcibiades, an Athenian general and student of Socrates, compared his appearance to Silenus. Silenus was a legendary follower of Dionysus that was portrayed as morbidly obese, constantly drunk, and balding.

Zopyrus, a rival philosopher that believed people should be judged on appearance alone, said that Socrates was “stupid, brutal, sensual, and addicted to drunkenness”, making him an ugly yet sexy drunk. When his followers violently objected, Socrates stepped in and said that the reading was on the mark.

9 ) Attila the Hun

Practically unstoppable, Attila almost wiped out Western civilization until Pope Leo I talked him out of sacking Rome. According to Hollywood he looked like Gerard Butler, better known as Leonidas from 300, since Butler played him in the 2001 television series.

The reality is that he looked more like Shrek. Passages from history describe an extremely short man, built like an ogre, who so hideous that he was “human and yet not.” He is described with a bulbous head, flat nose, moist nostrils, beady eyes, and thin beard. None of this stopped him from marrying 12 beautiful women and dying while devirginizing his last one.

8 ) Tannakin Skinker

The epitome of a butterface, Skinker was born to a rich 17th century German family. Her parents kept her deformity secret for years, until news about the “hog-faced gentlewoman” leaked out and people started lining up for hours to catch a glimpse. The family attempted to use the hype to marry her off, dressing her in the finest bejeweled clothes to draw attention away from her face and offering a massive dowry to anyone brave enough to marry her. One man stepped up, saying: “Put her head in a black bagge and what difference between her and another woman?” Then her veil was lifted and he hightailed it out of there. Skinker died a single woman.

7 ) Frederick North

An 18th century Prime Minister of Great Britain, Lord North embraced his unattractive appearance. He insisted that his portraits accurately depict that he was a portly man with thick lips and eyes that bulged from his face. While at a dinner party he was asked about the “frightful woman” sitting across from him. He informed the man that it was his wife. Realizing his blunder the man said that he meant the “monster next to her.” North simply replied: “That is my daughter, and I may tell you, sir, that we are considered to be three of the ugliest people in London.”

6 ) Jean-Paul Marat

Considered to be one of the most important men in French history, Marat was best known for his rabble rousing journalism during the French Revolution and his harsh stance against the new government. He spent most of his time in a bathtub to get relief from a bunch of skin diseases he picked up while hiding in the French sewer system. His supporters described him as short, squat, and blessed with an “unflagging malodor.” His enemies simply called him repulsive and one eventually assassinated him while he was in the bathtub.

5 ) Queen Charlotte

Before Photoshop there was the court painter.  It was rumored that King George III’s insanity was caused by the trauma of having sex with Queen Charlotte. Wikipedia describes her as “plain faced.” Thankfully, no 18th century Londoners can edit Wikipedia because when she first arrived to take her throne she was greeted with cries of “pug-face.” When she inquired about the chants her translators told her it meant “God bless her Majesty.”

4 ) George Lewes

Lewes became a 19th century celebrity due to his ability to carry on a conversation with practically anyone and for writing a famous biography of Gothe. He was also considered to be one of the ugliest men in England due to his buck teeth and oddly shaped head. He took this to heart and and attempted to hide his flaws with a large beard. Douglas Jerrold, a particularly savage writer, once said that the chimpanzee at the Zoological Gardens died “out of jealousy, because there existed a creature more hideous than itself!”

3  ) Julia Pastrana

Pastrana was a 19th century Mexican that was born with hypertrichosis terminalis, a condition that caused her face and most of her body to be covered in straight dark hair. Theodore Lent bought her from her mother in order to teach her to sing and play music. He then exploited her on a worldwide tour called “Bearded and Hairy Lady.” He eventually married her to secure all rights to her likeness. When she was pregnant with his child he sold tickets to the birth. The deformed child survived for 3 days and Pastrana died from complications afterwards. None of this stopped Lent, who simply had her and the child embalmed, placed in a glass case, and sent on a lucrative world tour. He was eventually committed to a mental institution.

2 ) J. G. Biggar

A 19th century Irish nationalist, Biggar basically invented the filibuster by talking down anything related to the Irish Coercion Act. The first time Biggar stood up to give a speech, Benjamin Disraeli asked, “What creature is that?” After being informed it was Biggar, Disraeli remarked: “Oh! I thought it had been a Leprechaun, one of those things that comes out in the moonlight to dance with fairies.” Disraeli wasn’t just being a dick. Biggar was born with a hunch, forcing him to walk with a cane, had large Hobbitesque feet, a “face like a gargoyle”, and skinny bony fingers. He also suffered from a speech impediment, making his long speeches highly effective in their ability to clear the room.

1 ) Joseph Merrick

The Elephant Man is probably the most famously ugly person in history. He suffered from Proteus syndrome, a genetic disorder that caused bony growths and tumors over large sections of his body. He walked with an odd hobble and often wore a cap and hood that covered his face. Even though he was highly intelligent, easy going, and artistically inclined he was relegated to working the freak show circuit because he was otherwise unemployable. Merrick was obsessed with attempting to live a normal life and ended up passing away when the weight of his head snapped his spine while he was asleep.

Bonus: Sarah Jessica Parker

Aside from Michael Jackson, I can’t think of a single person that is alive today that gets as much flak as Sarah Jessica Parker does for their physical appearance.  She was voted unsexiest woman alive by Maxim, practically all of the comments on her AskMen profile compare her to a horse, and yes, there is actually a website called Sarah Jessica Parker Looks Like A Horse.  Ouch.

Edit: Clarity and typo.

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Following on the original perverted authors article, these are 5 more famous authors that were perverts.  This will be the last test format/style for the history trivia articles, let me know if you love/hate it.

5 ) T.E. Lawrence

Better known as Lawrence of Arabia, the Welsh archaeologist and British intelligence officer became famous because of his memoirs. Lawrence was celibate most of his life – claiming to have been raped and tortured by a Turk – and a pederast (which I’ve discussed here), but his most interesting perversion was the fact that he was a masochist. Lawrence used to hire a man, along with a witness, to beat him with birches under the claim that an uncle demanded it because Lawrence had stolen money. After the beatings he would ask them to write an account of the flogging which he would read later for kicks. In a sense, he was creating masochist porn for himself through himself. According to some of his biographers this wasn’t the first time either. There are doubts over if he ever had been raped and tortured or if it was just him writing out his masochistic fantasies and hiding them in plain sight.

4 ) Leopold von Sacher-Masoch

Speaking of masochism, the term originated from the last name of the 19th century Austrian romance novelist. Born into nobility, he discovered that he enjoyed being humiliated by strong women that wore furs through his aunt, Countess Zenobia. As the story goes, one day she asked him to help take off her furs and as he was undressing her he found himself kissing her feet. She responded by kicking the young boy away with a sinister laugh. He enjoyed this so much that he spent the rest of his life trying to replicate it. Not surprisingly, he had a collection of things that he wanted his lovers to hurt him with: chains, whips, and razors. Sacher-Masoch couldn’t get aroused without fur and owned numerous cats that he kept with him as he wrote. (This makes friends of mine that own cats only slightly creepier.)

3 ) Hans Christian Andersen

The Danish fairy tale writer is best known for “The Little Mermaid”, “The Ugly Duckling”, and “The Emperor’s New Clothes.” Most of the fairy tales he wrote were based on events in his own life: “The Ugly Duckling” was based on growing up as a lanky child with a big nose and “The Little Mermaid” was based on a personal crisis after a man that he considered his soul mate got married to a woman. He was a lifelong celibate that used to visit brothels to have conversations with prostitutes. Afterwards, he would return to his hotel room to furiously masturbate and chronicle it by drawing a cross in his dairy. As a result, he kept meticulous tabs about how many times he masturbated in his life – and apparently he masturbated a lot.

2 ) James Joyce

The Irish author of Ulysses and Finnegans Wake is considered to be one of the most influential writers of the 20th century. Finnegans Wake was influenced by his daughter, Lucia, who was a schizophrenic. Both were locked up in the same room while he wrote it, spurring on questions over if they had an incestuous relationship. There is very little evidence to support these allegations, but there is plenty of evidence to support the fact that Joyce loved farts on his face. He wrote a series of dirty love letters to his wife in 1909 and one gushes about her “fat dirty farts.” He complimented her over the various types she possessed – “big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush” – and even believed he could pick out her farts in a “roomful of farting women.”

1 ) Oscar Wilde

The Irish author of The Picture of Dorian Grey Gay Gray was also one of the biggest celebrities of the 19th century. London’s most famous Dandy, he made Perez Hilton seem like Rambo by wearing peacock feathers, carrying sunflowers everywhere he went, and wearing blue china. Today he is a gay martyr, but I’ve never understood why anyone would want Wilde to be the face for any movement since he was a pederast. He befriended Uranian poets, the 19th century’s version of NAMBLA, and developed a voracious appetite for young prostitutes, servants, and newsboys, showing off that “the danger was half the excitement.” Then he pissed off Lord Queensberry by introducing his son, Lord Alfred Douglas, to the Uranian lifestyle. Queensberry was a swarthy man that loved fighting (hell, the boxing rules are named after the guy), and he launched a personal crusade against Wilde, famously leaving him a calling card that called him a sodomite. Wilde responded by suing him for libel. This backfired and resulted in Wilde being tried for gross indecency and being sent to jail at a hard labor camp.

Bonus: Eric Gill

Since he isn’t an author I didn’t use him, but not using him would be a sin. Gill was a sculptor and designer of Gill Sans – Philips, Saab, and Wikimedia all use this typeface – that seemed to have lived a somewhat boring, extremely Catholic, life. But in the ’80s a Gill biographer shocked his fans by stating that Gill had been sexually abusing his daughters, had sex with his sisters, and had even raped the family dog.

Credit where credit is due: Hubso for Gill and MadHooks for Sacher-Masoch/Andersen.

Like it?  Subscribe via RSS (or e-mail, if you prefer).  Ideas for a third part?  Leave a comment, I’ll credit you.  I’m considering doing one over historic figures.

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• 8 Historic Figures That Were Pederasts
• 5 Famous Authors and Why They Were Perverts
• 6 Historic Figures That Were Celibate
• 15 Famously Filthy People From the Pages of History
• 10 Incidents of Cannibalism