History is full of epic mustaches. The Babylonians believed that a man’s virility was proportional to the thickness of his mustache and even swore oaths upon their beards. This tradition continued into Saddam Hussein’s reign, where mustaches were practically mandated. At times, one wonders if it is the man or the mustache. The following are notable examples of humanity’s timeless mustache heritage.

1. Socrates

Ancient Egypt, Greece, and Rome were not fond of facial hair. A well kept man of the time was expected to be athletic, cleanly shaved, and with cropped hair. Socrates was a short, ugly drunkard with a bristly mustache. Along with his full beard and receding hairline, Socrates’ mustache witnessed the dissemination of the Athenian philosopher’s wisdom and of rhetoric that challenged the state-defined preconceptions of the time. Ultimately put to death for “corrupting” the youth of Athens, Socrates heralded the return of the philosopher beard and is credited as the father of western philosophy.

2. Charlemagne

The Middle Ages were full of barbarians rampaging through Europe with raggedy and unkempt facial bushes. Towering over everyone else at 7 feet tall was the mustachioed Charlemagne. Although he fit the ancient description of “barbarian“, he became the first “civilized” leader outside of traditional Roman political culture by handing everyone else their asses. Charlemagne’s mustache inspired him to crush the other invaders of the former Roman Empire so ruthlessly that Pope Leo III made him Emperor of Rome. As his mustache developed into a beard, Charlemagne fostered a period of untold artistic expansion known as the Carolingian Renaissance.

3. Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan started growing his mustache after murdering his brother in a dispute about fish. Considered a symbol of wisdom, Genghis’ mustache helped him spread his aegis over most of China, all of Central Asia, most of the Middle East, and even all the way to the modern-day Czech Republic. Genghis’ empire was the largest ever seen then or ever since. Unfortunately, infighting, Japanese and Muslim resistance as well as his mustache’s traditional desire to die with its ancestors led Genghis to stop his expansion, pack up his things, and return his army home to die. His less epically mustachioed successors would have moderate success but a century later, the Mongolian Empire would be no more.

4. Otto von Bismarck

One amongst a plethora of mustachioed German statesman, Otto von Bismarck’s trademark “Kaiser” mustache quickly became symbolic of Prussian manhood. Even Hitler sported one through World War I until he was possibly ordered to whittle it down. As the architect of a united Germany in 1871, von Bismarck became known as the “Iron Chancellor” for his tough isolationist policies and hostile attitude towards all other forces in Europe. Perhaps intimidated by his lady-tickler, Russia, France, and England were cowed into forming an unlikely alliance against an aggressive German power. The web of alliances and hostility engaged by von Bismarck became one of the main catalysts of World War I where millions of mustaches would be left dying on the battlefields.

5. Ambrose Burnside

Ambrose Burnside was an inventor and politician from Rhode Island who not only promoted his Scottish ancestry with a fierce mustache but grew it so full and so distinctive that his heavy ‘stache blended into a high beard and into his hair, promoting a new term for facial hair: the “Sideburn“. The constantly smiling Burnside made friends everywhere he went and made it a point to remember everyone’s name. Unfortunately, not even his epic whiskers could prepare him for the Civil War. His inability to command troops led to an abysmal track record and a morale crushing defeat at Fredericksburg. Years later, Franklin D. Roosevelt’s attempt to emulate Burnside’s facial hair was met with laughter.

6. Friedrich Nietzsche

Bismarck’s countryman, philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche may very well have owned the brushiest, bushiest, fullest, most lip-hidingest mustache of the era. What didn’t kill Nietzsche became part of his mustache. Under his mustache, Nietzsche is remembered for many works of thought provoking insight, especially his eminently quotable statement “God is dead” immortalized in The Gay Science and Thus Spoke Zarathustra. Perhaps made confident by his lip shield, Nietzsche claimed that religious institutions were dead and that mankind would never again find solace in their auspices.

7. Theodore Roosevelt

The 26th President of the United States and arguably the most badass world leader of his time, Theodore Roosevelt’s finely groomed mustache has been immortalized in stone on Mount Rushmore. The man may have been the top statesman of his time, but his crumb-catcher is better commemorated by Roosevelt’s exploits as boxer, naturalist, and hunter. Boxing his way through a Harvard diploma in history and government studies, the President’s naturalist ambitions brought him to a 1909 hunting expedition in Africa. Bringing back specimens and carcasses of over 11,000 animals, we would surely have demonized him in 2009, but at the time, these exploits actually became (and remain) the base of the Smithsonian and the American Museum of Natural History‘s exhibits.

8. Charlie Chaplin

There may have been a more obvious embodiment of the Toothbrush mustache but it was our man Chaplin who popularized it at the turn of the 20th century. He not only pioneered and fostered comedy acting for over 75 years, but also founded United Artists in 1919 and may very well have inspired the facial grooming preferences of a young German corporal. Unfortunately, following the invention of the “talkies” in the 1920-30s, Chaplin’s comically twitching little mustache was retired and Chaplin shifted his focus to behind the cameras due to his “unappealing” voice. There, sans mustache, he still managed to find success as a producer and filmmaker.

9. Josef Stalin

20th century dictators are notorious for using their ample lip hair for evil ends. Veiled behind his mustache, Stalin was a participant in Russia’s Communist revolution of 1917 and following the death of Lenin, became the architect of Soviet Russia. From his disastrous “five-year plans” and radical nationalization that caused the starvation of millions of his people to his alliance with Hitler destined to divide up Poland and to his eventual conquest of Eastern Europe, this graying and impossibly symmetrical mustache is remembered as one of the most ruthless mustaches in history. That being said, the victims of Stalin’s regime and historians in general are dismayed to see his image is being progressively rehabilitated in today’s Russia. Indeed, a recent poll declared him the third greatest Russian of all-time.

10. Salvador Dali

This Spanish artist’s crazy mustache may very well have inspired the mind-boggling qualities of his oeuvre. Dali grew his mustache as a marketing tool, he knew he would stand out a zany artist if he had bizarre facial hair. He called it his “antennae” when asked about it, saying that he grew inspiration from it. From “The Persistence of Memory” to “Shirley Temple: The Youngest, Most Sacred Monster”, the melty clocks, and demon-children of this mustache’s pieces have made it an enduring part of popular culture. In the end, the surrealist eccentric and his crazy mustache spent their lives shocking the world. Accordingly, Dali died both hated and loved but left no one indifferent and remains universally famous.

Bonus: Ned Flanders

Assuredly not an actual person and most definitely not a historic figure, Ned Flanders’ left-handed mustache in The Simpsons has graced worldwide screens since 1989. More than a caricature of the Christian right, Stupid Flanders has been an omnipresent critique as well as an invitation to question our tenets of morality and ethics for the better part of two decades. The result of appearing on a show that is now aired in most countries on earth at least several times a day is evident: despite not being a main character, his name, his persona, and his mustache are known worldwide. Furthermore, keeping in mind that television signals travel at the speed of light when breaking free of our atmosphere, Flanders’ soup strainer may be famous in an interstellar way at this point. Bringing warmth, friendliness and a blanket-feeling of honesty, the Flanders mustache ends our list as a true testament to the power of facial hair throughout history.

Jonathan is a historian with his own blog over at The End is Coming.

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The sheer amount of insane or mentally unstable heads of state is evidence that the one job that requires the least in the way of mental stability is absolute rule. In honor of every mad monarchs and deranged dictators who tried to live up to Zarkon, this is a list of the 10 most whacked-out despots in history.

1. Murad IV

Sultan Murad IV put the “homicide” in “homicidal maniac”. A large man with a fetishistic attraction to violence, Murad took capital punishment to levels very few have been able to match. A powerful warrior in his own right, Murad’s favorite weapon on the battlefield was a 130 pound mace which he used with one hand. But his most memorable act was attempting to root out corruption by instituting a universal death penalty for even the most minor of offenses. He would patrol the streets of Istanbul, disguised in civilian clothes, and would kill people on the spot with his mace if they broke the law. He had 18 people killed for the use of tobacco, coffee, opium, and wine in one particular day. This was Murad at his most sane. He beheaded anyone who got on his nerves, and he was fond of taking potshots at people unlucky enough to be standing nearby when he got the urge. On one occasion, he had a group of dancing women drowned because they were making too much noise. Murad eventually succumbed to cirrhosis of the liver as a result of excessive drinking. One could say that he executed himself for breaking his own laws.

2. George III of the United Kingdom

Most remember King George III for losing the American colonies but seem to forget that he was a popular king when he first took the throne. He united political rivals, funded the Royal Academy out of his own pocket, and created a new national library. But he suffered his first setback five years into his reign and things were never the same. Stricken with a nasty hereditary disease called porphyria, George’s symptoms included partial paralysis, full blown psychosis, and blue urine. If peeing Smurfs weren’t bad enough, the king endured Francis Willis’ “treatment regimen”. Simply put, Willis quite literally began beating the crazy out of King George III. The frequent cycle of lucidity, insanity, and torture wreaked havoc on George’s abilities to rule, and he started making increasingly bad decisions. He allowed Prime Minister William Pitt to increase taxes, raise armies to fight France, and suspend the right of habeas corpus. Then, to add insult to injury, Pitt blamed it all on George after the shit hit the fan. George became increasingly unpopular even among his supporters and compounded it through bizarre behavior. This included babbling for hours without ceasing, foaming at the mouth, and reputedly shaking hands with a tree after mistaking it for the King of Prussia. He spent the last years of his life in isolation, blind, deaf, mostly straight-jacketed, and some historians argue he wasn’t even aware he had lost the American colonies.

3. François “Papa Doc” Duvalier

Featured in our 10 Plundering Politicians list, François Duvalier was the product of an affair between a Haitian official and an insane woman – an event that foreshadowed his later life. He lived innocuously in his early years and even received acclaim for his work as a doctor. But as Haiti grew poorer, Duvalier witnessed gross human rights violations and started studying voodoo intensely for answers. In 1956, he won the election by positioning himself as a populist and challenging the power of the mulatto elite. He lost all semblance of sanity after this point. Duvalier began acting and dressing as Baron Samedi, the voodoo spirit of death, and even started speaking in the nasal tone associated with the spirit. To make things worse, he created the Tonton Macoutes, a private army named after a voodoo bogeyman that disappears people. Duvalier even had all black dogs in Haiti killed after hearing that a political rival had transformed into one. Duvalier eventually declared himself “President for Life”, and presided over Haiti’s decline into poverty, famine, and despair until the day he died.

4. Idi Amin

Also featured in our 10 Plundering Politicians list, Idi Amin’s life is the classic story of boy meets girl, boy becomes dictator, and dictator abuses power. He seized power by promising democratic elections and the release of political prisoners. Instead, a week after the coup, he declared himself president, put military tribunals above civilian courts, and started suspending rights. Amin suffered from syphilis and as time went on his behavior became increasingly erratic. When a diplomat asked him why he ate hundreds of oranges a day, Amin mused they tasted better than human flesh. After the British severed relations, Amin claimed to have defeated them and declared himself “His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.” He never paid for his sins, as he escaped to Saudi Arabia after Uganda had enough of his shit and deposed him. He spent the last years of his life enjoying a lavish lifestyle and hundreds of oranges a day.

5. Caligula

Historical records overflow with rumors and speculation concerning Caligula’s level of kiddie crazy. Some sources speculate that he engaged in his uncle Tiberius’ perverse proclivities involving women, children, and even infants. Others believe that his obsession with his sisters started very young (and, he did bed all three of them during the course of his short lifetime). Regardless of which rumors you choose to believe, it’s safe to say that Caligula was balls-out crazy by the time he became emperor. He was a short, gangly man with too little hair on his head and too much on his body. As emperor, he would execute – at whim – anyone who he believed to be staring at his bald head or anyone who mentioned a goat in his presence. Early in his reign, he became deathly ill and began seeing conspiracies everywhere. In his mind, the illness itself was a conspiracy and when he got better he killed, banished, or imprisoned loyal friends, relatives, and compatriots. Caligula’s extravagant lifestyle emptied the state treasury and created a financial crisis that almost broke the Roman Empire. Later on, he marched an unprecedented number of legions all over Europe to annex more territory. It failed, so he ordered his troops to gather seashells as “spoils from the Ocean“. Soon after, he decided he was a god and killed everyone who disagreed. The stories of his eccentricities are too numerous to mention. One highlight, however: he tried to make his favorite horse, Incitatus, a consul. Eventually the Roman elites had enough of him and he was killed by a cadre of conspirators. I guess he was right to suspect everyone.

6. Nero

Like Caligula, rumors have circulated concerning Nero and Tiberius. On his island home in Capri, Tiberius kept a sicko version of the Playboy Mansion stocked with a bevy of “little fishes” – young 5-7 year old boys trained to swim around the naked Tiberius. Some historians claim that Tiberius kept Nero for a time, and if that is, indeed true, it’s at least part of the reason why Nero was so whacked-out. He rose to power through a series of backroom maneuvers and murders perpetrated by Agrippina the Younger, Nero’s mother and Caligula’s sister. Nero thanked her by having her killed. Early in his reign, Nero was obsessed with becoming a popular ruler so he passed a series of laws that favored the poor. But he quickly lost interest and became more interested in writing poems and playing music. In fact, it is said that he was singing the poem “Sack of Ilium” in stage costume during the infamous fire of 64 AD. The rumors that he was playing a fiddle, however, are false. It was more likely a lyre. After a series of other exciting missteps which led to several large rebellions, Nero absconded to avoid being killed by a large portion of his guard and an uppity governor. He found shelter in a villa, where he decided that the most noble option was suicide. He forced one of his servants to commit suicide first in order to research the process and to steel his nerves. Nero was unable to kill himself until the horsemen were right upon him, and even then he required assistance from his secretary.

7. Frederick William I of Prussia

Frederick William I probably didn’t suffer from any mental condition… he was just a good, old-fashioned psychopath. He was the type of monarch who carried a large rattan stick with him to test the fighting abilities of random strangers. He also threw plates at servants for no apparent reason and starved his children to test their mettle. Most of his valets were missing an eye because Frederick always carried two pistols, loaded with rock salt, and shot anyone who startled him. But his love for military display bordered on the obsessive. After inheriting a regiment from his father, Frederick became attached to the idea of a regiment composed entirely of the tallest men in Europe. The Potsdam Giants, as they became known, eventually included kidnapped priests, monks, and an Austrian diplomat. But, the bulk of his giants were mentally retarded, as William made disastrously bad agreements with the French, the Ottomans, and other nations to fill out his regiment. On his deathbed, a priest read from the Book of Job: “Naked I came out of my mother’s womb and naked I shall return thither.” “Not quite naked,” Frederick responded. “I shall have my uniform on.”

8. Charles VI of France

There is a good reason why Charles VI‘s most common sobriquet is “The Mad.” Perfectly normal in his early life, he became unhinged after a mystery illness forced doctors to shave off his hair. He was prone to random bouts of violence where he would assault anyone within arms reach. When he was 24, Charles set off to capture a would-be assassin hiding in Brittany. While traveling, he was approached by a barefoot leper in rags who warned, “Ride no further, noble King! Turn back! You are betrayed!” A little later, Charles was startled when a page made a loud noise by dropping a lance. Convinced he was under attack, Charles drew his sword, spurred his horse, and bellowed: “Forward against the traitors! They wish to deliver me to the enemy!” He then promptly started laying waste to his own men and killed several of them before he was restrained. His psychotic episodes only got worse after that. He was prone to running like a madman through the palace halls, refused to wash, and even forgot that he was king at one point. Physicians attempted to cure him by shocking him. No, not with electroshock, instead they hired seventeen men in blackface to jump out of the darkness to startle him. Charles simply responded by assaulting the men. His madness left the throne up for grabs, and the resulting power struggle greatly weakened France.

9. Nader Shah

As a young boy, Nader Shah was captured by the Uzbeks but managed to escape and joined a tribe of bandits who eventually made him their leader. His rise to military power from that point onward was meteoric, and eventually he had himself made their leader, by virtue of being the baddest motherfucker around. While he was relatively respected and mostly supported by his subjects, the fact that he considered somebody like Timur his personal hero should have indicated what was to follow. As time passed, his campaigns grew more violent – during his invasion of India, Nader Shah’s troops killed as many 30,000 Indians in one day. Then his health started to decline rapidly, making him amazingly paranoid and ruthless. He saw enemies everywhere after a failed assassination attempt. Convinced that his son was behind the attack, he had him blinded, and then, just to make sure, he killed everyone who had witnessed the blinding. Pretty soon he stopped thinking up excuses and started executing everyone he suspected of treachery. He started exorbitantly raising taxes, and when his subjects rose up in revolt, he crushed them without mercy and built towers out of their skulls just like Timur. The captain of his guard and several other assassins surprised him in the night, stabbing him with a sword, but he managed to kill two of them before finally succumbing to his wounds.

10. Prince Sado of Korea

Prince Sado of Korea was so incredibly insane that he wasn’t allowed to become emperor until he was dead. A series of childhood illnesses laid the ground work for his insanity, and by the age of ten he was showing serious signs of mental issues. Sado became increasingly delusional, had frequent nightmares about a thunder god, and developed intense phobias about the sky, thunderstorms, and even the Korean characters for “thunder” and “thunderclap”. He frequently beat the crap out of his eunuchs, and would either rape, murder, or murder-rape servants and court women to pass the time. Murder was his Xanax, as on one occasion he remarked: “It relieves my pent-up anger to kill people or animals when I’m feeling depressed or on edge.” Not surprisingly, everyone was scared shitless of him. His father, King Yeongjo of Joseon, eventually got wind of his son’s insane behavior and ordered Sado locked in a rice cask for ten days. In a moment of lucidity, the prince complied and died in the cask. A few days later the dead prince was removed from the chest and posthumously declared emperor.

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Even though the rules of hygiene were extremely relaxed during some periods of history, the following 15 people – royalty, actresses, philosophers, and more – became known not only for their accomplishments but also their disastrous hygiene.

1. Benedict of Aniane

Saint Joseph once preached, “He who has bathed in Christ has no need for a second bath.” Early Christians took this literally and never bathed. Benedict was an odd monk that spent most of his life in rags, rarely eating, and speaking only in awkward outcries. He was canonized for saving monasticism in the 8th century, through which he spread the idea that bathing was a vanity that facilitated sins of the flesh. This meme stuck with Christians until the 18th century.

2. Henry IV of France

One of the most popular French kings, Henry tried to provide his citizens with a “chicken in the pot every Sunday.” Even though he believed in changing his shirt every morning, a rarity in 16th century France, he also loved hunting and refused to bathe or mask his odor with cologne afterwards. His mistress often told him he smelled like carrion. His second wife fainted from his stench the first time she met him and doused herself with perfume just to have sex with him on their wedding night.

3. Miyamoto Musashi

The Japanese have a long history of promoting hygiene, but Musashi was a different story. He spent most of the 17th century wandering Japan as a vagabond warrior, sword fighting anyone he ran across. His fighting style involved wielding two swords above above his head and was so complicated that none of his pupils ever mastered it. He never married, cut his hair, or bathed unless he was visiting a feudal lord because he did not want to be caught unprepared. Besides, there were better things to do like sword fighting.

4. Louis XIV of France

During the 72 year reign of Louis, France established an absolute monarchy, Versailles was built, and The Sun King waged war with everyone. Possibly hydrophobic, he refused to bathe unless his doctors forced him to and took two, possibly three, baths his entire life. He preferred to be dusted with scented powder and washed his face with a rag soaked in alcohol. Louis refused surgery on a gangrenous foot, leading to his death, and would lose chunks of it around Versailles.

5. Frederick II of Prussia

Frederick transformed Prussia from a European backwater to a world powerhouse, and then spent the rest of his life shuffling around Sanssouci with a pack of Italian greyhounds, berating anyone that cleaned up the ankle-deep dog shit. Possibly insane, he started refusing to bathe and stopped changing his clothes for years. When he died, in 1786, the shirt on his back was so rotten with sweat that his valet used one of his own to bury the king.

6. Charles Howard

A staunch opponent of George III, the 11th Duke of Norfolk rebuilt and refurbished Arundel Castle. In a time when bathing was starting to gain acceptance, he never took a voluntary bath his entire life and became known as the “Dirty Duke” as a result. His valets would trick him into it by getting him drunk and then scrubbing him down. He once complained to Dudley North that he had tried everything to cure his rheumatism. North quipped, “Pray, my lord, did you ever try a clean shirt?”

7. Ludwig van Beethoven

Influenced by the Enlightenment, a deaf Beethoven pushed Romantic music to the forefront in the 18th century. His refusal to bathe stemmed from the constant pain of lead poisoning. It also made him extremely crabby at concerts, he commonly threw things at people talking during his concerts. A speech impediment made it hard to understand Beethoven and often resulted in violent tirades if he was asked to repeat himself. The few friends he had would sneak away his clothes to wash while he slept.

8. Karl Marx

As the mind behind Communism, Marx wanted the working class to rise up but instead helped totalitarian regimes justify their existence. He suffered from pus leaking carbuncles and boils that were worsened by chain smoking, heavy drinking, and belief that cleanliness was a bourgeoisie excess. Marx took pride in pages of the original manuscript of Das Kapital that were splattered with blood from his lanced boils, claiming that it proved he understood the plight of the proletariat.

9. Henrietta Green

With an estimated net worth of $3.8 billion, Green became one of the richest women in history through her extreme frugality. She avoided surgery on a hernia because it cost $150, ignored her son’s broken leg until it had to be amputated, and tried to swindle a dying aunt out of money. The few times she bathed, she did so without hot water and soap, and she spent her entire life in a series of black dresses that she wore until they wore out. In her later years she became extremely paranoid and died while arguing about skim milk.

10. Diego Rivera

A famous Mexican muralist, Rivera helped bring art to the common Mexican by kick-starting the Mexican Mural Renaissance. He was also briefly married to Frida Kahlo and became famous for his constant cheating. Incredibly obese, often ballooning beyond 300 pounds, and avoided bathing (possibly because he didn’t see the point of if he could meet women without it). When one of his wives, Lupe Marin, met him for the first time she asked, “Is this the great Diego Rivera? He looks horrible to me.”

11. Chairman Mao Zedong

Mao’s harsh socio-political programs killed millions of his countrymen but helped turn China into a world power. He never brushed his teeth or bathed his entire reign. Instead, concubines were forced to scrub his body with damp towels while be chewed tea leaves to clean his teeth. When offered a toothbrush by one of his physicians, Mao refused on the grounds that tigers didn’t brush their teeth either. You can’t argue with that logic.

12. Geoffrey Pyke

A British spy during WWII and an innovator, Pyke is best known for developing pykrete, a type of ice that is extremely slow to melt. He wanted to use this material to build a fleet of ships that were impervious to U-Boat attacks. A typical boffin, he abhorred wearing socks and usually presented himself in a rarely washed suit. Pyke also hated bathing, rarely shaved, and avoided cutting his hair. Conversations with Pyke were just as wild as his appearance, as he often launching into extremely technical diatribes when questioned.

13. Howard Hughes

Hughes transformed from a polished, handsome aviator and movie producer to a 90 pound skeleton that only trusted Mormons. It started in 1957, when he locked himself in a studio with milk, chocolate, and Kleenex to watch movies completely naked. Upon emerging, he refused to bathe and trimmed his hair and nails only once a year. He became a recluse, living in Las Vegas and the Bahamas, and was so unidentifiable when he died that police had to use his fingerprints to make sure it was actually Hughes.

14. Ernesto Guevara

The Argentine revolutionary, Che Guevara helped Fidel Castro bring Communism to Cuba. He loved rugby, cigars, and Rolexes, but hated bathing his entire life. As a child he was called “Chancho”, pig, by friends and took pride in wearing the same shirt for a whole week. He kept this trend going through most of his life, rarely bothering to bathe or change out of his olive green fatigues. He became one of the most famous t-shirts in history after he died.

15. Marilyn Monroe

Considered an example of the feminine ideal, Monroe went through a long string of lovers that included Joe DiMaggio and John F. Kennedy. But according to a Clark Gable biography, Gable described her as extremely dirty, and not in the sexual sense. According to Gable she suffered from irritable bowel syndrome, rarely bathed, and ate exclusively in bed – shoving what was left under her bed.

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The 20th century brought us some of the world’s most powerful and rich dictatorships. While most followed a straightforward recipe of murder, terror, and megalomania, the following managed to plunder the nations they had taken control of in ways that boggle the mind.

1. Kim Jong Il

If you gave an old Korean lesbian the paranoia of Howard Hughes you’d end up with Kim Jong Il. Most of his $5 billion fortune is foreign aid that the “Dear Leader” has misappropriated since the early ’90s. The result of this is that North Koreans are now so emaciated that they make Ethiopians seem obese. Not that Kim ever notices since he spends most of his time in one of his 17 palaces pursuing his true passion: watching, writing, and directing movies. Terrified of flying, he only travels by armored train or in his billion dollar, 7,000 car fleet. Convinced that a triplet will one day topple his regime, all triplets are rounded up and left to die in bleak orphanages.

2. Idi Amin Dada

A former cannibal, Amin‘s official title would be a nightmare to fit on a business card: “His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.” In the ’70s, he amused foreign dignitaries who asked why he ate so many oranges by saying they tasted better than human flesh. This sense of humor was lost on the military leaders he rounded up and decapitated when he first rose to power. Afterwards, he sat on a pile of their heads while taking bites of flesh and chastised them for their lack of support. He managed to abscond with almost $500 million in gold to Saudi Arabia where he spent the rest of his life eating a lot of oranges.

3. Ferdinand Marcos

Most Filipinos struggled with runaway inflation in the ’60s, but it didn’t stop the Marcoses from putting ornate chandeliers in every room of Malacañang Palace. The reception room – which already had 3 famous chandeliers from the Spanish era – ended up with 17 of them. Imelda Marcos amassed one of the largest collections of shoes, handbags, gowns, and jewelry, effectively making her history’s most successful gold digger. Not that Ferdinand was tame either, almost $10 billion in loans were misappropriated and huge kickbacks were the norm. The province of Apayao was allegedly redrawn to resemble his head on a map and a giant Mount Rushmore-esque bust of him was carved into a hillside.

4. Mobutu Sésé Seko

While the average citizen of Zaire managed to scrape by on $150 a year in the ’60s, Mobutu used the billions in foreign aid to convert his home village of Gbadolite into “Versailles in the Jungle.” To Mobutu, this meant building palaces modeled after Chinese pagodas and an airport that could accommodate the Concorde. This last detail was especially important to him since the Concorde was routinely chartered to fly to France for shopping sprees. He claimed that it wasn’t extravagant since he was afraid of flying and hated sleeping pills, the Concorde simply brought him to his destination quicker.

5. Nicolae Ceauşescu

After visiting North Korea in the ’70s and deciding he wasn’t crazy enough, Ceauşescu started forcing people to move into tiny concrete apartments in an effort to bring Romania into a new golden age. The crown was going to be the ironically named Palace of The People. The world’s third largest building, it had gargantuan crystal chandeliers, steps designed to be the size of his stride, and a tunnel system that had an escape route only he knew. He passed laws banning TV newswomen from wearing jewelry so they wouldn’t be more glamorous than his wife, Elena. Then, as if to cap off all the crazy, they created a gestapo of gynecologists that hounded single women in an effort to increase the birth rate.

6. Sani Abacha

Almost a deity for Nigerian scammers, Abacha believed in efficiency. After rising to power in the ’90s he stole over $4 billion over the course of 5 years. He then died in this list’s most awesome way: after taking excessive amounts of Viagra he dropped dead during an orgy with 4 prostitutes. His widow, Maryam, attempted to flee the country with 38 pieces of luggage stuffed with dollars. She then hired – I swear I’m not joking – Johnnie Cochran to represent her during the corruption trial. Ever the miracle worker, Cochran managed to get her a reprieve under the defense that she was moving the money to safer foreign accounts and was planning on giving it back.

7. Joaquín Balaguer

Balaguer was given control of the Dominican Republic in the ’60s because no one else wanted it. Even though he promised a return to a true democracy, he passed laws that restricted barrio dwellers from entering richer areas and aided in election fraud. In the ’90s he decided to build El Faro a Colón, a 10-story building shaped like a cross and designed to illuminate the night sky in celebration of Christopher Columbus’ arrival. Barrios were razed, dissidents killed, and inflation sky rocketed. It ended up being pointless after the pope refused to attend and Spain wouldn’t send a delegate. When the cross was finally turned on it drained the national grid. In many ways this was symbolic of Columbus’ arrival.

8. Jean-Bédel Bokassa

Bokassa never bothered to funnel billions into foreign accounts, rather he made himself emperor of the Central African Republic in the ’70s under the claim that it would look good for the nation. A huge fan of Napoleon, he almost bankrupted the nation by spending $20 million on a 48-hour coronation ceremony that required 100 limos, 130 thoroughbred horses, a 120 piece orchestra, and 65,000 bottles of champagne complete with waiters from Paris. His diamond encrusted crown cost $5 million alone. He was ousted 5 years later after he had 100 school children massacred over the type of uniforms they should wear. But all of that was ok, because in his final years he revealed himself to be the 13th Apostle.

9. François “Papa Doc” Duvalier

While stealing almost half a billion dollars in foreign aid, Papa Doc made voodoo the official religion of Haiti in the late-’50s. Claiming to be Baron Samedi, the voodoo spirit of death, he spoke in a nasal tone associated with the spirit and wore the spirit’s trademark top hat and tails. He took voodoo seriously, he would request the heads of dead rivals so he could trap their spirit and wanted all black dogs killed on sight after a pesky political rival was rumored to have transformed into one. The Tonton Macoutes, a private army named after a voodoo bogeyman that disappears people, took pride in terrorizing anyone that didn’t explicitly state their support for Papa Doc. He forced Haitians to sell their blood to him for $1.80 a pint, then turned around and resold the blood to the United States for $22 a pint.

10. Jean-Claude “Bébé Doc” Duvalier

Papa Doc’s propaganda machine had positioned Bébé Doc as the son of God by the time he came to power in the ’80s. But Bébé Doc was not savvy at convincing Hatians he was a spirit and his unpopular marriage to Michèle Bennett made the support evaporate. The couple threw lavish televised parties where $10,000 jewels were given away as door prizes. The homeless were pushed to watch on televisions that were installed in the parks they slept in. Michèle spent $10,000 a month on flowers from Miami and wore furs by having the air conditioning turned to max. Even being overthrown in 1986 didn’t stop them from spending obscene amounts of money in France until Michèle disappeared a few years later with almost $100 million, leaving the son of God as penniless as he had left Haiti.

Note: I will be out of town for about 2 weeks, so updates will resume mid-September.

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