Mental retardation is generally understood to be the lack of normal intellectual development. It was one of the most misunderstood conditions before the advent of modern medicine and there were literally hundreds of pseudo-scientific terms used to describe it. Not surprisingly, the practice of inbreeding helped stack royal courts with hundreds of mentally retarded heirs. Occasionally, one would manage to make it to the throne. These are the stories of 6 of them.

1. Philip III Arrhidaeus

A persisting rumor claims Alexander the Great’s mother Olympias caused Philip III Arrhidaeus’ mental condition with a botched poisoning while clearing out roadblocks to Alexander’s ascension. It is more likely that Arrhidaeus was born mentally retarded and was shielded from the Macedonian army’s politics while Alexander was alive. Afterwards however, he was thrust into a powersharing agreement with the infant Alexander IV and became a pawn for a series of power-hungry assholes. First came Perdiccas, a paranoid regent, who kept Arrhidaeus close to himself and almost caused a troop revolt by killing Arrhidaeus’ half-sister Cynane after she sent her daughter Eurydice to marry Arrhidaeus. The less batshit Antipater was made regent after Perdiccas’ officers had enough of him and killed him. This left Arrhidaeus in the hands of Eurydice, who used him to lobby for more power. She attempted to lead a rebellion against Olympias after Antipater’s death but found that Macedonians were unwilling to fight Alexander the Great’s mother. Arrhidaeus, unaware of what was happening, ended up in a narrow dungeon cell with Eurydice and was executed there.

2. Fyodor I of Russia

Fyodor I of Russia, the not-so-terrible son of Ivan the Terrible, was born with a “minor” case of Down syndrome. Fyodor was an extremely pious man whose idea of a good time was hanging out with monks, listening to Bible stories, and ringing church bells. By contrast, Ivan the Terrible’s idea of a good time involved creating succession issues by beating up his pregnant daughter-in-law, causing her to miscarry, and then murdering the heir-apparent. The “Oh, shit!” moment that followed left 3 possible options: Fyodor; a 3 year old boy; and Boris Godunov, an ambitious veteran of the royal court. Godunov was clearly the most suitable, but the church picked Fyodor anyway thinking that a pious retard would be easier to control. Fyodor managed to become a moderately popular tsar by not being a mass murdering psycho, and also by loosening trade restrictions, favoring the lower classes, and reforming the judiciary. Most of the public didn’t realize that these reforms came from Godunov, who had managed to claw his way into becoming the sole regent, and instead credited Fyodor’s belief that God spoke to him in his dreams. Unfortunately, Fyodor’s failure to sire any male children allowed Godunov to claim the throne after his death and signaled the start of the Time of Troubles.

3. Mustafa I

The Ottomans were good at avoiding succession wars by allowing each new sultan to kill all other potential heirs when he claimed the throne. In fact, the Ottomans got so good at wiping out anyone with a claim to the throne that for a while, the continuity of the dynasty was threatened. Eventually, a more “humane” solution was developed which allowed the heirs to live, but still provided the sultan with security: penning all the heirs in a palatial prison called the “Kafes” – literally, “the Cage”. Even then, it was fairly common for an unpopular heir to be found strangled to death in spite of the heavy security. Mustafa I was born “mentally weak” and was driven completely insane by the constant threat of strangulation. He spent most of his life in the tiny windowless apartments looking for guidance in the Quran, but was forced to become Sultan after his brother, Ahmed I, died of typhus. He was quickly deposed after refusing to learn ixaratte, the royal court’s complicated sign language system, and running around the palace screaming for his dead brother to take away his throne. The Jannisaries made short work of his successor and asked Mustafa to rule again. He responded: “I am reading the Quran, and I do not want to be the Sultan,” but no one listened and Mustafa was forced to reign until the Grand Mufti decreed that Murad IV should be allowed to take his place.

4. Ibrahim I

Allowing Murad IV to rule was a mistake. His bloody reign allowed his power hungry mother, Kösem Sultan, to become the most powerful woman in Ottoman history. She ruled from behind a silk curtain while Murad ran around brutalizing anyone he came across. When Kösem realized she would lose power when Murad died, she began lobbying for the mentally retarded Ibrahim I to become the next Sultan. Murad responded by ordering Ibrahim put to death, but Kösem managed to convince the royal court that Ibrahim suffered from “weakness of the nerves” and posed no threat. Much like Mustafa, Ibrahim had spent most of his life in the Kafes. Unlike the hapless Mustafa, Ibrahim was a sex crazed sociopath who immediately began kidnapping and raping married women. He became enthralled with obese women and paid immense bounties to anyone who could bring him a larger woman than he already had in his harem. Ibrahim eventually became obsessed with a cow’s genitals, had them cast in gold, and ordered his agents to find a woman with a similar vagina. They found Sechir Para (“Sweet Lump of Sugar”), a 300 pound Armenian woman who he dressed only in furs. Ibrahim was finally deposed after he raped the Grand Mufti’s daughter. He was found strangled to death in the Kafes a few months later.

5. Charles II of Spain

Charles II of Spain‘s birth was widely celebrated because it helped avoid a succession war. That celebration was short lived, as people began worrying after getting a good look at him. Charles, the result of generations of Hapsburg inbreeding, resembled a Dane Cook joke: countless ailments, severely retarded, and constantly on the edge of an emotional breakdown. His head was freakishly misshapen, his jaw made it impossible for him to eat, and his tongue was so large he could barely speak. He was literally carried around like a baby for the first 10 years of his life because the royal court feared he would die if overworked. Even after he learned how to walk on his own, his legs could barely support him beyond a few steps. By the time he was 35, Charles had given up on cleaning himself, could not walk, and suffered multiple epileptic seizures a day. He spent the final years of his life desperately attempting to have a child. Even though his doctors tried everything from balancing dead pigeons on his head to draping him with the warm entrails of mammals, he could not manage to sire an heir. His death sparked the bloody War of the Spanish Succession, which some argue was the first world war.

6. Ferdinand I of Austria

Ferdinand I of Austria‘s “feeble-mindedness” was well known to the general public. In the end, that knowledge probably saved his life. In person, it was practically impossible to understand him (though he did manage to keep a readable dairy). Reportedly, one of his few coherent sentences came after being told that apricot dumplings were out of season: “I am the Emperor, and I want dumplings!” Bedridden by up to 20 epileptic fits a day, Ferdinand relied on a cadre of counselors to guide his decisions. The most controversial was Klemens Wenzel von Metternich, who had brought peace between kings at the Congress of Vienna but ignored the general public’s demands for democratic reform. Ferdinand was forced to dismiss Metternich when revolutionaries started picking up supporters. Before fleeing to London, Metternich informed Ferdinand that the angry mob outside his palace was revolting and demanding that Ferdinand abdicate. A puzzled Ferdinand asked: “But are they allowed to do that?” Considered harmless by the revolutionaries, Ferdinand made it out unscathed and spent the rest of his days in Prague Castle.

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Plato once said, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.”  If the internet has proven one thing it is that there is someone out there for everyone.  This is a list of 10 people from different parts of history that were also famous for being ugly by their society’s standards.  You’ll find philosophers, sideshow freaks, politicians, and even a queen.

10 ) Socrates

Credited as one of the founders of Western philosophy, Socrates was also well known for his piggish features. Alcibiades, an Athenian general and student of Socrates, compared his appearance to Silenus. Silenus was a legendary follower of Dionysus that was portrayed as morbidly obese, constantly drunk, and balding.

Zopyrus, a rival philosopher that believed people should be judged on appearance alone, said that Socrates was “stupid, brutal, sensual, and addicted to drunkenness”, making him an ugly yet sexy drunk. When his followers violently objected, Socrates stepped in and said that the reading was on the mark.

9 ) Attila the Hun

Practically unstoppable, Attila almost wiped out Western civilization until Pope Leo I talked him out of sacking Rome. According to Hollywood he looked like Gerard Butler, better known as Leonidas from 300, since Butler played him in the 2001 television series.

The reality is that he looked more like Shrek. Passages from history describe an extremely short man, built like an ogre, who so hideous that he was “human and yet not.” He is described with a bulbous head, flat nose, moist nostrils, beady eyes, and thin beard. None of this stopped him from marrying 12 beautiful women and dying while devirginizing his last one.

8 ) Tannakin Skinker

The epitome of a butterface, Skinker was born to a rich 17th century German family. Her parents kept her deformity secret for years, until news about the “hog-faced gentlewoman” leaked out and people started lining up for hours to catch a glimpse. The family attempted to use the hype to marry her off, dressing her in the finest bejeweled clothes to draw attention away from her face and offering a massive dowry to anyone brave enough to marry her. One man stepped up, saying: “Put her head in a black bagge and what difference between her and another woman?” Then her veil was lifted and he hightailed it out of there. Skinker died a single woman.

7 ) Frederick North

An 18th century Prime Minister of Great Britain, Lord North embraced his unattractive appearance. He insisted that his portraits accurately depict that he was a portly man with thick lips and eyes that bulged from his face. While at a dinner party he was asked about the “frightful woman” sitting across from him. He informed the man that it was his wife. Realizing his blunder the man said that he meant the “monster next to her.” North simply replied: “That is my daughter, and I may tell you, sir, that we are considered to be three of the ugliest people in London.”

6 ) Jean-Paul Marat

Considered to be one of the most important men in French history, Marat was best known for his rabble rousing journalism during the French Revolution and his harsh stance against the new government. He spent most of his time in a bathtub to get relief from a bunch of skin diseases he picked up while hiding in the French sewer system. His supporters described him as short, squat, and blessed with an “unflagging malodor.” His enemies simply called him repulsive and one eventually assassinated him while he was in the bathtub.

5 ) Queen Charlotte

Before Photoshop there was the court painter.  It was rumored that King George III’s insanity was caused by the trauma of having sex with Queen Charlotte. Wikipedia describes her as “plain faced.” Thankfully, no 18th century Londoners can edit Wikipedia because when she first arrived to take her throne she was greeted with cries of “pug-face.” When she inquired about the chants her translators told her it meant “God bless her Majesty.”

4 ) George Lewes

Lewes became a 19th century celebrity due to his ability to carry on a conversation with practically anyone and for writing a famous biography of Gothe. He was also considered to be one of the ugliest men in England due to his buck teeth and oddly shaped head. He took this to heart and and attempted to hide his flaws with a large beard. Douglas Jerrold, a particularly savage writer, once said that the chimpanzee at the Zoological Gardens died “out of jealousy, because there existed a creature more hideous than itself!”

3  ) Julia Pastrana

Pastrana was a 19th century Mexican that was born with hypertrichosis terminalis, a condition that caused her face and most of her body to be covered in straight dark hair. Theodore Lent bought her from her mother in order to teach her to sing and play music. He then exploited her on a worldwide tour called “Bearded and Hairy Lady.” He eventually married her to secure all rights to her likeness. When she was pregnant with his child he sold tickets to the birth. The deformed child survived for 3 days and Pastrana died from complications afterwards. None of this stopped Lent, who simply had her and the child embalmed, placed in a glass case, and sent on a lucrative world tour. He was eventually committed to a mental institution.

2 ) J. G. Biggar

A 19th century Irish nationalist, Biggar basically invented the filibuster by talking down anything related to the Irish Coercion Act. The first time Biggar stood up to give a speech, Benjamin Disraeli asked, “What creature is that?” After being informed it was Biggar, Disraeli remarked: “Oh! I thought it had been a Leprechaun, one of those things that comes out in the moonlight to dance with fairies.” Disraeli wasn’t just being a dick. Biggar was born with a hunch, forcing him to walk with a cane, had large Hobbitesque feet, a “face like a gargoyle”, and skinny bony fingers. He also suffered from a speech impediment, making his long speeches highly effective in their ability to clear the room.

1 ) Joseph Merrick

The Elephant Man is probably the most famously ugly person in history. He suffered from Proteus syndrome, a genetic disorder that caused bony growths and tumors over large sections of his body. He walked with an odd hobble and often wore a cap and hood that covered his face. Even though he was highly intelligent, easy going, and artistically inclined he was relegated to working the freak show circuit because he was otherwise unemployable. Merrick was obsessed with attempting to live a normal life and ended up passing away when the weight of his head snapped his spine while he was asleep.

Bonus: Sarah Jessica Parker

Aside from Michael Jackson, I can’t think of a single person that is alive today that gets as much flak as Sarah Jessica Parker does for their physical appearance.  She was voted unsexiest woman alive by Maxim, practically all of the comments on her AskMen profile compare her to a horse, and yes, there is actually a website called Sarah Jessica Parker Looks Like A Horse.  Ouch.

Edit: Clarity and typo.

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