History is full of figures with popular stature or political influence who were plagued with scandals. Most of their offenses end up getting hushed up or forgotten, but sex scandals always seem to linger. The following are 7 (alleged) sex offenders and how they managed to get away with it.

1. Pope Sixtus III

Pope Sixtus III spent most of his reign repairing the damage done to Rome after the Visigoths sacked the city in 410. In his spare time, he reputedly enjoyed sleeping with nuns, a habit which caught up with him in 440 AD when he was charged with the seduction of a nun. Sixtus’ defense was based entirely on the Biblical Story of Mary Magdalene; he dramatically ended his testimony by quoting the Bible: “Let him who is without fault among you throw the first stone.” He was acquitted, not because he knew how to quote the Bible, but because no one witnessed him raping the nun in question. Sixtus died a few months later.

2. Geoffrey Chaucer

Geoffrey Chaucer was an English author best known for The Canterbury Tales. Some of his most famous stories involve rape – at that time, “rape” meant the same as “abduction” does today – so it is ironic that in 1380, Chaucer himself was charged with the rape of a baker’s daughter, Cecily Chaumpaigne. The charges shocked his supporters who rallied to support the writer and smeared Chaumpaigne. In an effort to make the story disappear, Chaucer paid Chaumpaigne an exorbitant sum of money (10 pounds!) to sign a contract agreeing to drop the charges. This contract came to light in 1873 and is the only evidence about Chaucer’s “raptus”.

3. Ernest Augustus I of Hanover

Ernest Augustus I of Hanover was an unpopular king whose entire reign was marked with sex scandals. It started when rumors of him carrying on a gay love affair with his valet ended with the valet’s death. A few months later, a man appeared claiming that he was the result of an incestuous affair between Ernest and his sister. But it was Ernest’s attempted rape of the Lord Chancellor’s wife which caused the biggest uproar. The victim died a few months after the fact and Ernest was never charged, leading historians to forever debate over the authenticity of the charges.

4. Henry John Temple, 3rd Viscount Palmerston

Henry John Temple, better known as Lord Palmerston, was a controversial British Prime Minister who advocated crushing foreign governments to increase the British Empire’s power. His supporters lovingly called him “Lord Pam” while his detractors called him “Lord Cupid”. The latter was a reference to Palmerston unabashedly attempts to seduce young women wherever he went. He famously forced himself onto one of Queen Victoria’s ladies-in-waiting during a visit to Windsor Castle and had to be ejected by Lord Melbourne. Palmerston managed to beat charges, saying that he had simply forgotten that it wasn’t his room.

5. Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle

Roscoe Arbuckle was the highest paid silent-film actor of the ’20s. His career dramatically imploded when he was charged with the rape and manslaughter of a young starlet, Virginia Rappe. Reality quickly became warped as tabloids spread conflicting eyewitness testimonies that claimed the quiet actor had done everything from smothered Rappe to death with his weight to violating her with a champagne bottle. Although acquitted after three trials, Arbuckle was blackballed from Hollywood, broke, and treated like a pariah by the public. His final years were spend spiraling into alcoholism and attempting to muster a comeback as a director.

6. Errol Flynn

Errol Flynn was a Hollywood actor who filled a successful career with swashbuckling roles. He used his means to support his much publicized hedonistic private life; the phrase “In like Flynn” is refers to his supposed exploits. Flynn’s reputation caught up with him in 1942, when he was accused of statutory rape by two 17-year-old girls. Unlike Arbuckle, Hollywood rallied to Flynn’s defense and even created a legal fund for him called the “American Boys’ Club for the Defense of Errol Flynn” (A.B.C.D.E.F.). A large portion of Flynn’s defense was that he was Errol Flynn and what woman could resist him? In spite of mountains of evidence, he was miraculously acquitted and the scandal only bolstered Flynn’s reputation as a ladies man.

7. Chuck Berry

Chuck Berry is one of the original pioneers of rock and roll. Like any good rock star, his entire career was built on scandal. He spent 5 years in jail early in his career for pimping a 14-year-old. He resurrected his career after being released, but ended up in jail again on tax evasion charges. After being released again, Berry started touring heavily but quickly found himself embroiled in the largest controversy of his career. 59 women came forward to claim that Berry had filmed them with hidden cameras in two of his restaurants. Berry managed to bury the accusations, at a cost of almost $1.2 million .

Bonus: Michael Jackson

The most successful entertainer in history, Michael Jackson‘s eccentric career earned him approximately half a billion dollars and 24-hour tabloid attention. In the late-’80s, “The King of Pop” built Neverland Ranch into a sprawling property that included a menagerie and amusement park… and invited young fans to spend time with him. Tabloid speculation went absolutely insane in 1993, when the father of one of Jackson’s fans accused him of sexually abusing his son. While claiming innocence, Jackson paid off the family in an effort to avoid an O.J. Simpson-esque trial. That trial came 10 years later, after the controversial Living with Michael Jackson. The boy Jackson was seen holding hands with in the documentary accused the singer of abuse. Eventually acquitted, Jackson became a bigger recluse and could never manage to shake off the allegations. It was one of the most hotly debated topics when his death brought the Internet to its knees.

Weeee, finally back in the swing of things! Keep the motivating e-mails coming.

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• 10 Epic Mustaches and the Men Behind Them
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History is full of epic mustaches. The Babylonians believed that a man’s virility was proportional to the thickness of his mustache and even swore oaths upon their beards. This tradition continued into Saddam Hussein’s reign, where mustaches were practically mandated. At times, one wonders if it is the man or the mustache. The following are notable examples of humanity’s timeless mustache heritage.

1. Socrates

Ancient Egypt, Greece, and Rome were not fond of facial hair. A well kept man of the time was expected to be athletic, cleanly shaved, and with cropped hair. Socrates was a short, ugly drunkard with a bristly mustache. Along with his full beard and receding hairline, Socrates’ mustache witnessed the dissemination of the Athenian philosopher’s wisdom and of rhetoric that challenged the state-defined preconceptions of the time. Ultimately put to death for “corrupting” the youth of Athens, Socrates heralded the return of the philosopher beard and is credited as the father of western philosophy.

2. Charlemagne

The Middle Ages were full of barbarians rampaging through Europe with raggedy and unkempt facial bushes. Towering over everyone else at 7 feet tall was the mustachioed Charlemagne. Although he fit the ancient description of “barbarian“, he became the first “civilized” leader outside of traditional Roman political culture by handing everyone else their asses. Charlemagne’s mustache inspired him to crush the other invaders of the former Roman Empire so ruthlessly that Pope Leo III made him Emperor of Rome. As his mustache developed into a beard, Charlemagne fostered a period of untold artistic expansion known as the Carolingian Renaissance.

3. Genghis Khan

Genghis Khan started growing his mustache after murdering his brother in a dispute about fish. Considered a symbol of wisdom, Genghis’ mustache helped him spread his aegis over most of China, all of Central Asia, most of the Middle East, and even all the way to the modern-day Czech Republic. Genghis’ empire was the largest ever seen then or ever since. Unfortunately, infighting, Japanese and Muslim resistance as well as his mustache’s traditional desire to die with its ancestors led Genghis to stop his expansion, pack up his things, and return his army home to die. His less epically mustachioed successors would have moderate success but a century later, the Mongolian Empire would be no more.

4. Otto von Bismarck

One amongst a plethora of mustachioed German statesman, Otto von Bismarck’s trademark “Kaiser” mustache quickly became symbolic of Prussian manhood. Even Hitler sported one through World War I until he was possibly ordered to whittle it down. As the architect of a united Germany in 1871, von Bismarck became known as the “Iron Chancellor” for his tough isolationist policies and hostile attitude towards all other forces in Europe. Perhaps intimidated by his lady-tickler, Russia, France, and England were cowed into forming an unlikely alliance against an aggressive German power. The web of alliances and hostility engaged by von Bismarck became one of the main catalysts of World War I where millions of mustaches would be left dying on the battlefields.

5. Ambrose Burnside

Ambrose Burnside was an inventor and politician from Rhode Island who not only promoted his Scottish ancestry with a fierce mustache but grew it so full and so distinctive that his heavy ‘stache blended into a high beard and into his hair, promoting a new term for facial hair: the “Sideburn“. The constantly smiling Burnside made friends everywhere he went and made it a point to remember everyone’s name. Unfortunately, not even his epic whiskers could prepare him for the Civil War. His inability to command troops led to an abysmal track record and a morale crushing defeat at Fredericksburg. Years later, Franklin D. Roosevelt’s attempt to emulate Burnside’s facial hair was met with laughter.

6. Friedrich Nietzsche

Bismarck’s countryman, philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche may very well have owned the brushiest, bushiest, fullest, most lip-hidingest mustache of the era. What didn’t kill Nietzsche became part of his mustache. Under his mustache, Nietzsche is remembered for many works of thought provoking insight, especially his eminently quotable statement “God is dead” immortalized in The Gay Science and Thus Spoke Zarathustra. Perhaps made confident by his lip shield, Nietzsche claimed that religious institutions were dead and that mankind would never again find solace in their auspices.

7. Theodore Roosevelt

The 26th President of the United States and arguably the most badass world leader of his time, Theodore Roosevelt’s finely groomed mustache has been immortalized in stone on Mount Rushmore. The man may have been the top statesman of his time, but his crumb-catcher is better commemorated by Roosevelt’s exploits as boxer, naturalist, and hunter. Boxing his way through a Harvard diploma in history and government studies, the President’s naturalist ambitions brought him to a 1909 hunting expedition in Africa. Bringing back specimens and carcasses of over 11,000 animals, we would surely have demonized him in 2009, but at the time, these exploits actually became (and remain) the base of the Smithsonian and the American Museum of Natural History‘s exhibits.

8. Charlie Chaplin

There may have been a more obvious embodiment of the Toothbrush mustache but it was our man Chaplin who popularized it at the turn of the 20th century. He not only pioneered and fostered comedy acting for over 75 years, but also founded United Artists in 1919 and may very well have inspired the facial grooming preferences of a young German corporal. Unfortunately, following the invention of the “talkies” in the 1920-30s, Chaplin’s comically twitching little mustache was retired and Chaplin shifted his focus to behind the cameras due to his “unappealing” voice. There, sans mustache, he still managed to find success as a producer and filmmaker.

9. Josef Stalin

20th century dictators are notorious for using their ample lip hair for evil ends. Veiled behind his mustache, Stalin was a participant in Russia’s Communist revolution of 1917 and following the death of Lenin, became the architect of Soviet Russia. From his disastrous “five-year plans” and radical nationalization that caused the starvation of millions of his people to his alliance with Hitler destined to divide up Poland and to his eventual conquest of Eastern Europe, this graying and impossibly symmetrical mustache is remembered as one of the most ruthless mustaches in history. That being said, the victims of Stalin’s regime and historians in general are dismayed to see his image is being progressively rehabilitated in today’s Russia. Indeed, a recent poll declared him the third greatest Russian of all-time.

10. Salvador Dali

This Spanish artist’s crazy mustache may very well have inspired the mind-boggling qualities of his oeuvre. Dali grew his mustache as a marketing tool, he knew he would stand out a zany artist if he had bizarre facial hair. He called it his “antennae” when asked about it, saying that he grew inspiration from it. From “The Persistence of Memory” to “Shirley Temple: The Youngest, Most Sacred Monster”, the melty clocks, and demon-children of this mustache’s pieces have made it an enduring part of popular culture. In the end, the surrealist eccentric and his crazy mustache spent their lives shocking the world. Accordingly, Dali died both hated and loved but left no one indifferent and remains universally famous.

Bonus: Ned Flanders

Assuredly not an actual person and most definitely not a historic figure, Ned Flanders’ left-handed mustache in The Simpsons has graced worldwide screens since 1989. More than a caricature of the Christian right, Stupid Flanders has been an omnipresent critique as well as an invitation to question our tenets of morality and ethics for the better part of two decades. The result of appearing on a show that is now aired in most countries on earth at least several times a day is evident: despite not being a main character, his name, his persona, and his mustache are known worldwide. Furthermore, keeping in mind that television signals travel at the speed of light when breaking free of our atmosphere, Flanders’ soup strainer may be famous in an interstellar way at this point. Bringing warmth, friendliness and a blanket-feeling of honesty, the Flanders mustache ends our list as a true testament to the power of facial hair throughout history.

Jonathan is a historian with his own blog over at The End is Coming.

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