The prize for most awesome dad goes to Tom Rhoads of Lemoore, California. He built this 18-foot “life-sized” replica of Bumblebee out of an actual VW Beetle for his son.

Link. Via.

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I’m sure that everyone in their mid-20s has that one game that defined their childhood and still carries a strong emotional significance.  I’ve known people that were moved to tears by Final Fantasy VII and one of my best friends made it through his parents divorcing by playing Sonic & Knuckles repeatedly.  Monkey Island 2: LeChuck’s Revenge was one of my favorite games and I owe Ron Gilbert a beer if I ever run into him for providing me with the memory of beating it for the first time.

In 1992 GameFAQs wasn’t around to dumb down gaming to searching for a solution the first time you ran into a roadblock.  Rather, it was just me and some friends staying awake on weekends during sleepovers trying to figure out how to beat the game.  Cans of Jolt Cola, cold Domino’s Pizza, and bags of Doritos provided us with the energy to guide Guybrush Threepwood on his quest to defeat the zombie pirate LeChuck.  During class we would argue with each other over what we had to do, tried to find other kids that were playing it, and pawed our way through as many back issues of PC gaming magazines as possible for clues.

We eventually managed to figure out the monkey puzzles towards the end that befuddled us for a week, found all the ingredients we needed to make a voodoo doll, and defeated LeChuck.  It took us over a month but we had beaten the game!  We started cheering so loudly that we woke up my friend’s parents.  His mom didn’t seem to care that we had JUST BEATEN FUCKING MONKEY ISLAND 2 ON OUR OWN.  Instead, we were scolded for being loud and forced to go to bed.  That night, as we were drifting off to sleep, one of my friends said, “This is the best night of my life.”

In a sense he was right.  Every accomplishment I’ve managed since then doesn’t give me the same level of dizzying glee as that night because it was the purest type of happiness I’ve ever felt.  Nerdy?  Geeky?  Sure, whatever.  But I still crack a smile any time I see a picture of LeChuck and it saddens me to know that LucasArts went from a company that put out quality adventure games to one that churns out nothing but Star Wars games.

I doubt that a kid that grows up playing games like Halo is ever going to form the same emotional bond to a game as someone who grew up playing Super Mario World.  These days there is more of a focus on flash and dazzle than substance.  What kind of memories are the kids that beat Halo going to have?  The first time they got on Xbox Live and were barraged by a bunch of pre-pubsecent voices saying some of the most vile, misoginistic, and racist things imaginable?

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Dean Reed’s strange journey to become the best known rock star in the Eastern Bloc started in 1958 when, at the age of 20, he moved to Los Angeles to become just like Elvis, his idol. Capitol Records signed him and started molding him into a teen idol. Everything he released was a massive flop in the United States, but following a South American tour it was discovered that “A Summer Romance” was a huge hit in Argentina.

He decided to do a follow-up tour in Argentina and discovered that he was a rock god: his shows all sold out, he sold more records than Elvis, and women mobbed him wherever he went. While living in there he put out a string of hit records, starred in cheaply made movies, and even had a variety TV show in Buenos Aires. But most of South America was in the middle of a left wing revolutionary movement and after playing in barrios, for political prisoners, and at protests he started speaking out against oppression and poverty. The few reports about him that made it to the United States dubbed him “Red Elvis.”

An outspoken left wing American rubbed the right wing governments of Chile and Argentina the wrong way and he was eventually kicked out of both countries.

By then the USSR already knew of him and he was quickly signed to Melodiya, the state-run record label, to put out even more records and to tour extensively. He conquered Eastern Europe the way the Beatles conquered the United States, and was even viewed as an antidote to the Beatles. People questioned if he was truly a Marxist-revolutionary or just a money hungry American going wherever he could become famous, but Reed claimed to be sincere and would even stop in between songs to speak out. He would extol the virtues of a Communist life and even denounced the United States’ policies. In 1973, he chose to settle down in the German Democratic Republic where he put out a series of popular spaghetti westerns. He starred in 20 movies, had 13 hit records, and performed in 32 countries – and yet, no one really knew about him in the United States.

By 1985 no one in the Eastern Bloc cared about his music anymore and he attempted to return to the United States. He recorded a song for a movie about his life, American Rebel, called “Nobody Knows Me Back In My Hometown” and planned on using the film as a way to tour colleges where he expected to find audiences that had his political views. He found his family after being estranged from them for years and started building positive links with them. But all of that took a negative turn in 1986 when he was interviewed by 60 Minutes. He compared Ronald Regan to Stalin, defended the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, promoted the Berlin Wall as a safety measure, and came across as a mouthpiece for the Soviets. Hate mail, death threats, and people calling him a traitor ended with him fleeing back to East Berlin.

After the 60 Minutes interview, Reed sank into a deep depression. He cut himself severely with a machete, argued extensively with his wife, and saw his movie career in the Eastern Bloc start to taper off. After one argument with his wife he stormed out and was found dead in a lake a few days later. Even though the official story was that he committed suicide, conspiracy stories spread: the Stasi killed him for returning to the United States, the KGB killed him for being a CIA double agent, the CIA killed him for being a traitor, or that he is still alive. Maybe that last one is the most fitting since people believe the same about his idol, Elvis.

Further reading: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT) was huge in the early ’90s. It came right after Transformers degenerated into Rodimus needing a Prozac and right before Mighty Morphin Power Rangers taught us all how to color match. Everyone had a favorite TMNT character, mine was Donatello, and most will still defend that character to the death. I’ve always felt that identifying with these characters at a young age made us into the people we are today. So, this is a look back at 10 popular characters, who the fans that loved them became, and an example through a famous internet personality – call it “Turtle Theory”.

10 ) Donatello

The intro says that Don “does machines”. He does this in a fashion that makes Macgyver look like a lazy hobo. He would turn a broken toaster into an inter-dimensional portal.

He didn’t understand discretion, the Turtle Van couldn’t just be black and armored. It had to be shaped like a grimacing turtle with laser guns bristling off the back and a giant TURTLES logo on the hood. If Leo wanted them to be incognito then the Turtle Blimp was Don’s giant “fuck you” to him.

Fans grew up into:

Passive aggressive nerds that fancy themselves to be hackers. They’ve probably done awe-inspiring things for nerds at one point but ruin it by engaging in flame wars on Usenet groups. Friends come to them for computer help and instead get a history about the war between the Masters of Deception (MoD) and Legion of Doom (LoD).

Example through famous internet personality:

Rob “CmdrTaco” Malda. The founder of Slashdot, where geeks once went to get news about things they cared about but now mostly just flame each other over which distro of Linux is better.

9 ) Michaelangelo

The intro says that Mikey is a “party dude”. This translates to be a catchphrase laden retard that everyone seems to love for some reason.

The writers were obviously middle-aged men trying to make him seem hip. So naturally they made him over use the word “dude”, made him love pizza a lot, and had him continually state his love for partying.

Fans grew up into:

Child stars that were once popular in behemoth television series but became annoying. Well loved by a large section of the internet for no apparent reason.

Example through famous internet personality:

Wil Wheaton. He once played the most annoying character in Star Trek until he was written out. Now he mostly writes about his experiences and is beloved by a large swath of the internet.

8 ) Leonardo

The intro says that Leo “leads”. He does this by whining and being a wet blanket because everything has to be done by Master Splinter’s rules.

Leo had to have been based off an IRS auditor. Tells people what to do, saps all the fun out of life, and no one really listens to him.

Fans grew up into:

Soulless office drones with a smidgen of authority but can’t seem to wield if effectively. They empathize heavily with Dwight Schrute an work in IT where they spend most of their time submitting stories to The Daily WTF.

Example through famous internet personality:

Jay “The Tron Guy” Maynard. A systems admin that spends his free time dressing up like a character from Tron instead of properly telling people how to reboot their computers.

7 ) Raphael

The intro says that Raph is “cool but rude”. This translates to making sarcastic remarks that make Garfield seem clever. He wanted to be the leader but his ability to get angry about everything ruins that.

He was also the most talkative during a fight: even the most trivial fights with a Foot Soldier dragged on as he’d make quip after quip before finally being forced to end it by Leo.

Fans grew up into:

Self-proclaimed internet badasses that claim that their balls are bigger than the Sun. No women have been close enough to said balls to verify these claims. They’ve elevated internet trolling to an art form and have fans that make YouTube comments seem coherent.

Example through famous internet personality:

Maddox. If it wasn’t for the internet then Maddox would be a Leo fan. He was a programmer for a telemarketing company but quickly showed his Raph roots by putting together a Garfield-esque rant website where he waxed rhetoric about things that pissed him off. None of the wax was used on his back, sadly.

6 ) Casey Jones

Casey rose to popularity thanks to the movies. Sure, he was in the cartoons but I doubt you know which ones without looking it up on Wikipedia.

Everything about Casey should suggest that he is a badass: the rough attitude, the hockey mask, and various sports related weapons. But the homoerotic relationship that he shared with Raph made even He-Man seem straight by comparison.

Fans grew up into:

Drunken bros that constantly brag about how many women they’ve slept with. They are known to have meltdowns about stupid things like how many Doritos are in a bag of chips.

Example through famous internet personality:

Tucker Max. If there is anyone that loves Maddox, it is Tucker Max. In fact, his claims at sleeping with women get a bit dubious when you put Maddox and Tucker Max in the same room.

5 ) April O’Neil

The reporter for Channel 6 News that never could seem to figure out that her yellow jumpsuit made her easy to spot.

She had a bad habit of getting caught in alleyways by thugs but would end up getting rescued right before she got raped. This was made creepier only by the constant lusty leering by the TMNT and the thinly veiled comments that suggested they wanted to fuck the living daylights out of her. (Mikey was especially notorious.)

Fans grew up into:

Bloggers, vloggers, but not loggers. They are really nice and on the up-and-up about news that no one should really care about – like, Apple rumors. But they are attractive and their fans are creepy because of their constant lusty leering and thinly veiled comments that suggest that they want to fuck the living daylights out of them.

Example through famous internet personality:

Justine “iJustine” Ezarik. A blogger, vlogger, and lifecaster (see, no logging). Since she is a female on the internet her fans are creepy due to their constant leering and thinly veiled comments that suggest that they want to fuck the living daylights out of her.

4 ) Splinter

The hairy leader of the TMNT that named them, taught them how to fight the Shredder, and provides them with guidance.

He spent most of his time on the show getting caught, telling stories about Japan, and freaking out anytime he saw the Shredder.

Fans grew up into:

Hairy crusaders against all things wrong. They take young people under their wing and teach them the proper, and more importantly honorable, way to fight great evil.

Example through famous internet personality:

Mark “Wise Beard Man” Bunker. The hairy crusader against Scientology. Recently took Anonymous under his wing to teach them the proper, but more importantly honorable, way to fight great evil.

3 ) The Shredder

The TMNT’s main nemesis, the leader of the Foot Clan, and voiced by Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. His intricate plots to get back at the TMNT involved meatballs and other stupid ideas that made Cobra Commander seem like a tactical genius.

Rather than stabbing the TMNT with his suit any chance he got he was content with menacingly ripping up clothing and filming them from a distance.

Fans grew up into:

Brainwashed in their desire to destroy those that foil their plans to dominate the world, they end up spending long hours in front of giant screens plotting revenge and taping their enemies. They always talk about aliens providing them with powers that you and I don’t have.

Example through famous internet personality:

Scientology. Brainwashed into believing that Xenu will provide them with powers that you and I don’t have, they end up spending most of their time these days filming Anonymous protests and plotting against them.

2 ) Krang

An alien brain that sits inside the crotch of a robotic man that looks like he belongs in a Right Said Fred music video.

Once an accomplished warlord that conquered Dimension X – where the skies are always red and people are made of rocks or some shit that the writers never cared to explain – now he is reduced to drooling and babbling about the latest technology that he’ll use to defeat the TMNT.

Fans grew up into:

Lawyers, venture capitalists, and bloggers that hype companies that provide services that no one really needs or seems to want. They engage in petty arguments with anyone that questions if they are journalists and often figure out intricate ways to cut down their opponents.

Example through famous internet personality:

Michael Arrington. King of TechCrunch and trapped in a body that looks like a giant brain, Arrington spends most of his time drooling about the latest technology that you probably don’t need.

1 ) Bebop and Rocksteady

Bebop and Rocksteady were the bumbling henchmen that the Shredder, part of a NYC street gang, and a gay couple.

They are legendary for their stupidity. Nothing more can really be said about them.

Fans grew up into:

YouTube celebrities, popular with 12 year olds, and gay couples. They are legendary for their stupidity. Nothing more can really be said about them.

Example through famous internet personality:

Smosh. Obscenely popular with 12 year olds for lip syncing to the Pokemon theme song on YouTube, and a gay couple. They are legendary for their stupidity. Nothing more can really be said about them.

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