Turtle Theory: Which TMNT Character Did You Grow Up Into?
By Sami on May 21st, 2008
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT) was huge in the early ’90s. It came right after Transformers degenerated into Rodimus needing a Prozac and right before Mighty Morphin Power Rangers taught us all how to color match. Everyone had a favorite TMNT character, mine was Donatello, and most will still defend that character to the death. I’ve always felt that identifying with these characters at a young age made us into the people we are today. So, this is a look back at 10 popular characters, who the fans that loved them became, and an example through a famous internet personality – call it “Turtle Theory”.
10 ) Donatello
The intro says that Don “does machines”. He does this in a fashion that makes Macgyver look like a lazy hobo. He would turn a broken toaster into an inter-dimensional portal.
He didn’t understand discretion, the Turtle Van couldn’t just be black and armored. It had to be shaped like a grimacing turtle with laser guns bristling off the back and a giant TURTLES logo on the hood. If Leo wanted them to be incognito then the Turtle Blimp was Don’s giant “fuck you” to him.
Fans grew up into:
Passive aggressive nerds that fancy themselves to be hackers. They’ve probably done awe-inspiring things for nerds at one point but ruin it by engaging in flame wars on Usenet groups. Friends come to them for computer help and instead get a history about the war between the Masters of Deception (MoD) and Legion of Doom (LoD).
Example through famous internet personality:
Rob “CmdrTaco” Malda. The founder of Slashdot, where geeks once went to get news about things they cared about but now mostly just flame each other over which distro of Linux is better.
9 ) Michaelangelo
The intro says that Mikey is a “party dude”. This translates to be a catchphrase laden retard that everyone seems to love for some reason.
The writers were obviously middle-aged men trying to make him seem hip. So naturally they made him over use the word “dude”, made him love pizza a lot, and had him continually state his love for partying.
Fans grew up into:
Child stars that were once popular in behemoth television series but became annoying. Well loved by a large section of the internet for no apparent reason.
Example through famous internet personality:
Wil Wheaton. He once played the most annoying character in Star Trek until he was written out. Now he mostly writes about his experiences and is beloved by a large swath of the internet.
8 ) Leonardo
The intro says that Leo “leads”. He does this by whining and being a wet blanket because everything has to be done by Master Splinter’s rules.
Leo had to have been based off an IRS auditor. Tells people what to do, saps all the fun out of life, and no one really listens to him.
Fans grew up into:
Soulless office drones with a smidgen of authority but can’t seem to wield if effectively. They empathize heavily with Dwight Schrute an work in IT where they spend most of their time submitting stories to The Daily WTF.
Example through famous internet personality:
Jay “The Tron Guy” Maynard. A systems admin that spends his free time dressing up like a character from Tron instead of properly telling people how to reboot their computers.
7 ) Raphael
The intro says that Raph is “cool but rude”. This translates to making sarcastic remarks that make Garfield seem clever. He wanted to be the leader but his ability to get angry about everything ruins that.
He was also the most talkative during a fight: even the most trivial fights with a Foot Soldier dragged on as he’d make quip after quip before finally being forced to end it by Leo.
Fans grew up into:
Self-proclaimed internet badasses that claim that their balls are bigger than the Sun. No women have been close enough to said balls to verify these claims. They’ve elevated internet trolling to an art form and have fans that make YouTube comments seem coherent.
Example through famous internet personality:
Maddox. If it wasn’t for the internet then Maddox would be a Leo fan. He was a programmer for a telemarketing company but quickly showed his Raph roots by putting together a Garfield-esque rant website where he waxed rhetoric about things that pissed him off. None of the wax was used on his back, sadly.
6 ) Casey Jones
Casey rose to popularity thanks to the movies. Sure, he was in the cartoons but I doubt you know which ones without looking it up on Wikipedia.
Everything about Casey should suggest that he is a badass: the rough attitude, the hockey mask, and various sports related weapons. But the homoerotic relationship that he shared with Raph made even He-Man seem straight by comparison.
Fans grew up into:
Drunken bros that constantly brag about how many women they’ve slept with. They are known to have meltdowns about stupid things like how many Doritos are in a bag of chips.
Example through famous internet personality:
Tucker Max. If there is anyone that loves Maddox, it is Tucker Max. In fact, his claims at sleeping with women get a bit dubious when you put Maddox and Tucker Max in the same room.
5 ) April O’Neil
The reporter for Channel 6 News that never could seem to figure out that her yellow jumpsuit made her easy to spot.
She had a bad habit of getting caught in alleyways by thugs but would end up getting rescued right before she got raped. This was made creepier only by the constant lusty leering by the TMNT and the thinly veiled comments that suggested they wanted to fuck the living daylights out of her. (Mikey was especially notorious.)
Fans grew up into:
Bloggers, vloggers, but not loggers. They are really nice and on the up-and-up about news that no one should really care about – like, Apple rumors. But they are attractive and their fans are creepy because of their constant lusty leering and thinly veiled comments that suggest that they want to fuck the living daylights out of them.
Example through famous internet personality:
Justine “iJustine” Ezarik. A blogger, vlogger, and lifecaster (see, no logging). Since she is a female on the internet her fans are creepy due to their constant leering and thinly veiled comments that suggest that they want to fuck the living daylights out of her.
4 ) Splinter
The hairy leader of the TMNT that named them, taught them how to fight the Shredder, and provides them with guidance.
He spent most of his time on the show getting caught, telling stories about Japan, and freaking out anytime he saw the Shredder.
Fans grew up into:
Hairy crusaders against all things wrong. They take young people under their wing and teach them the proper, and more importantly honorable, way to fight great evil.
Example through famous internet personality:
Mark “Wise Beard Man” Bunker. The hairy crusader against Scientology. Recently took Anonymous under his wing to teach them the proper, but more importantly honorable, way to fight great evil.
3 ) The Shredder
The TMNT’s main nemesis, the leader of the Foot Clan, and voiced by Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. His intricate plots to get back at the TMNT involved meatballs and other stupid ideas that made Cobra Commander seem like a tactical genius.
Rather than stabbing the TMNT with his suit any chance he got he was content with menacingly ripping up clothing and filming them from a distance.
Fans grew up into:
Brainwashed in their desire to destroy those that foil their plans to dominate the world, they end up spending long hours in front of giant screens plotting revenge and taping their enemies. They always talk about aliens providing them with powers that you and I don’t have.
Example through famous internet personality:
Scientology. Brainwashed into believing that Xenu will provide them with powers that you and I don’t have, they end up spending most of their time these days filming Anonymous protests and plotting against them.
2 ) Krang
An alien brain that sits inside the crotch of a robotic man that looks like he belongs in a Right Said Fred music video.
Once an accomplished warlord that conquered Dimension X – where the skies are always red and people are made of rocks or some shit that the writers never cared to explain – now he is reduced to drooling and babbling about the latest technology that he’ll use to defeat the TMNT.
Fans grew up into:
Lawyers, venture capitalists, and bloggers that hype companies that provide services that no one really needs or seems to want. They engage in petty arguments with anyone that questions if they are journalists and often figure out intricate ways to cut down their opponents.
Example through famous internet personality:
Michael Arrington. King of TechCrunch and trapped in a body that looks like a giant brain, Arrington spends most of his time drooling about the latest technology that you probably don’t need.
1 ) Bebop and Rocksteady
Bebop and Rocksteady were the bumbling henchmen that the Shredder, part of a NYC street gang, and a gay couple.
They are legendary for their stupidity. Nothing more can really be said about them.
Fans grew up into:
YouTube celebrities, popular with 12 year olds, and gay couples. They are legendary for their stupidity. Nothing more can really be said about them.
Example through famous internet personality:
Smosh. Obscenely popular with 12 year olds for lip syncing to the Pokemon theme song on YouTube, and a gay couple. They are legendary for their stupidity. Nothing more can really be said about them.
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